I believe God gives you the experiences you need to get you to where He wants you to be. The end goal is always to return to LOVE, to return to yourself, to return to GOD, and when you do this – then you can fulfill the dream within you.
But what happens before, can be hard and cruel. It can leave you in absolute despair and it can take everything from you – your people, your heart, your dignity, your soul. These experiences occur only to brig you back into alignment, return you to your truth, reconnect you to the flow and support of the Universe.
The struggle, the adversity, the grief, the heartache are the very things that can bring you back.
I don’t think many people see it that way though, and I know I didn’t until I had no choice but to. The choice I was left with was either to take my own life or to change my thinking and address the underlying pain and grief that had taken over my mind and my body. Changing my mindset from ‘Its not fair’, ‘Why me’, ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’, ‘Why am I always the one that has to go through sh*t’, ‘I cant do this anymore’ was hard. Depression kept these stories on a constant cycle in my head, growing in intensity until I could no longer bare to look at myself in the mirror, no longer work, talk, eat, leave the house, or see a way out (other than death).
My story began to change the moment I started telling myself a new one. To try and see things from a different perspective. When I found some moments to try and let some new thoughts in to the cloudiness and fogginess. I wanted to bury myself in alcohol, I wanted to desperately cling to everything that I was losing, I longed to disappear and wake up in a whole new world, I wanted to scream, yell and seek revenge on the people that had hurt me. But mostly I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Depleted, deflated, dead but somehow still breathing. I was starting from the very bottom.
But this new way meant doing things that I had never done before. I had never hated myself more, never been so disappointed in myself, never felt so alone and afraid, never had so many negative and cruel thoughts running through my head. But I had to find a way to be kind to myself, I had to believe that I was worth fighting for. And for a long time I didn’t believe it, I couldn’t convince myself that I was worthy of being alive. Instead I told myself lies, I said a mantra over and over ‘I am enough’. I felt like a fraud but I knew if I didn’t break up the constant stream of negative and spiteful thoughts nothing would ever change and my children would be going through the rest of their lives without their mother. I knew that it was my job to break the cycle- nothing has ever been clearer to me. ‘I am enough’ – I said it hundreds of times a day, everytime I thought about the long list of crappy things that had happened in my life, when I thought about all that I had lost, when I thought about all of the ways in which I had failed in life, when I thought about trying to kill myself- these are the words that I would say.
And that was how I began. Saying this mantra, listening to Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer on constant repeat. This is how my three year journey into myself began. And along the way something happened that I didn’t expect. I realized that I really was enough- just me as I was, without any of the things I thought I needed, without the roles and identities I had hidden behind for so long. Facing the pain head on and doing things my way – I actually began to like myself, I started to have respect for myself and I started to realise the power of changing the relationship with myself. The Universe pushed me down until I had nothing left, so that I could make the most important realisation of all. I did matter, I was worth the fight, I could love myself and come to realise that my love was actually Gods love, that He was within me, and had been all along. I could live a life of LOVE because that’s what I was, that’s what we all are.