MIRACLES FROM GOD

I am waiting. For God to show me what to do next. I’m expecting a major miracle but I already know I have received many along the way that have enabled me to be here, where I am right now. And where am I? Exactly where I am supposed to be. GOD has me positioned perfectly, and yet from the outside it looks anything but perfect. Working for God is messy, it never goes the way you imagine it in your head and it requires a level of faith and patience that many of us- for so many reasons- are unable to fully commit to. So this is my reality. This is the grit, the dirt, the s*it before the glory if you like. I’m staying with my sister, sleeping in my nephews bed. I haven’t had a place to call home for all of this year (10 months). I lived in a tent for 3 months, and since then I’ve been house hopping. I have a small suitcase of belongings- everything else is gone. I’ve been here with my sister and her 3 loveable and noisy boys in a 3 bedroom house for 4 months. At times it is intense and highly uncomfortable but mostly it is good. I haven’t contributed a cent to my sister towards rent or bills and I know she needs it. She’s a single mum and I know she is only just scraping by. She does an amazing job and along with my dad is the best budgeter I know. There are many days that the fridge and cupboard are empty. If it wasn’t for her I have no doubt I would be on the streets. I have no place to call home, no car, no job, no partner, no kids at home, no belongings, barely any friends, no routine and I don’t know what I’m doing one day to the next.

I have half a bag of rice in the cupboard and a quarter of a jar of sauerkraut in the fridge. After that I’m all out. For much of the past 3 months Ive been hungry, like really hungry. I fasted for 2 weeks straight not long ago- for spiritual and healing reasons but mostly because I had no food. I’ve sat outside Woolworths numerous times watching the people go in and out knowing that I too once walked in to the supermarket without a second thought. I never imagined that there would come a day when I wouldn’t be able to feed myself. I could get a job, yes its true. Im now well enough to work and it seems like the logical thing to do. Its not that I don’t want to work because I do- so desperately. I haven’t collected Centrelink for 6 months, I cancelled my payments because it didn’t feel right to collect money from the government when I wasn’t able to fulfil my obligations of looking for work. I can’t look for work because God has put a dream in me, a calling so strong that I have sacrificed everything. To go to work after everything, to turn away from God, to let my fear be bigger than my faith..well no, Im just not willing to do that. Too much has happened. I’ve come too far. I’d rather be hungry, I’d rather be inconvenienced.

Tomorrow the $12,000 extra I took out against the home loan is due. I have no way to pay it. One of my accounts has minus $15 in it, the other is $0.00. It doesn’t bother me not having money, Ive had a nasty relationship with it for so long. its actually really easy not to have it, not to have my worth associated with it, there is no complication. I don’t like not being able to pay my bills, of course that bothers me. and the only reason I am $12 000 over in my home repayments is because I asked for financial assistance from the bank to try and give my parents some financial reprieve. The house is in my name but I haven’t lived there for 3 years. My parents live there and I have given them the house and approx $100 000 equity that is in it. Despite not having money I never considered selling the house, mum and dad need somewhere safe to live. I would never take that from them, just to have money in the bank. God is bringing me more than I will ever need, but first He needed me to know what its like to go without, to feel the desperation that comes when you cant feed or house yourself because life has been rough on you, often through no fault of your own. Apart from paying back the $12 000 which I know God will enable me to do, I don’t want anything to do with the house. I spent 5 years visualising and dreaming of living in that house and when it finally came my whole life fell apart. Its so freeing not having anything, nor being attached to ‘things’. I like it a lot, its simple and simple right now means freedom to concentrate on what God is calling me to do. Once upon a time my worth was determined by what I owned and how much money I earned. My parents paid $50 000 for me to go and get the help I needed, help that kept me from killing myself. So giving them the house is the least I can do. I know soon I will be able to give them so much more. I also have debt collectors calling me and overdue bills that are related to the house that I have no way to pay for. I’ve borrowed money from all of my family, esp my brother. He’s given me so much, mostly without me having to ask. I cant ask for anymore nor do I feel the need to do so. I understand letting go of my attachment to money, especially relating to scarcity and believing that I had to work hard to get it was all part of the process. Now I know I have financial abundance available to me at all times.

I’ve pretty much pissed off everyone around me because I wont give up on the call that God has placed in my being- the call that says He is using me for a much bigger purpose. They don’t see it and I cant explain it.  My kids are frustrated with me but won’t tell me to my face, and my son is currently not talking to me after an event that happened a few weeks ago. I couldn’t buy my daughter a 21stbirthday present, nor did I know how I was even go to get to her party which was 1800 kms away. It sounds like I am being irresponsible but all Im doing is following Gods direction. I know it doesn’t seem like it but He is strengthening me and making me trust Him more. He is asking me to let go of my attachment of trying to please those around me, He is asking me to put Him first so that in time my relationships can be more connected and healed. I’m not usually like this, in the past my children have always come first, often I have sacrificed myself for them, but God says no more. I’ve always shown up for them and right now it feels like I’m doing anything but. I’m watching my dad fade away with illness and I saw the look my mum gave me the other day when I told her I wouldn’t give up on my quest from God. A mixture of betrayal, disappointment and hopelessness. It cut deep and I wonder if this will be the thing that pushes her over the edge. Will this force her back into the mental health ward, will this mixed with everything else be the thing that causes her to finally succeed in taking her own life?  They are both under huge stress and I know I am contributing to that. I know they are concerned, but I have to keep going. its not that I don’t care, I keep going because I care so much, because I know if I do God will bless my entire family in a way that will be life changing. Its worth it, and there is no risk, there is no chance it ‘may not happen’, for I know my God is faithful beyond measure. I know what He has promised me and know He will deliver.  I am the first born and I feel the weight of expectation heavily. I know that if I lived by expectation that I would be living at home with them, working to pay the mortgage and helping mum to care for dad. But I don’t live by expectation anymore, I live by God. I have nobody else left in the world except for my family. Brene’ Brown says she writes down the people that matter the most to her and whose opinions she cares about on a small piece of paper and carries it with her in her wallet. I like this idea, and I’ve lived with the same mentality for the last few years. But now I have to put Gods call before them, before their opinions. I have to keep my focus on Him if I wish to be who He knows I can be. It seems harsh I agree, but it would be harsher to succumb and not be able to give to the world the blessings, the healing and the love that He has called me to give. I am okay with them being angry at me, I would not be okay with stopping now, and to be honest it has never occurred to me to do so.

God has had me waiting for the longest of times. 4 years since I fell apart, 13 years since I left my marriage because I knew there was something ‘more’ to life. an entire life time of feeling like I don’t fit in or belong, and many lifetimes of trying to fulfil my calling. God has also been waiting a long time. I trust His timing but id be lying if there weren’t times I was overly frustrated. He knows what I am about to do, I see a small tunnel of possibility, He sees the whole empire, the legacy, the change, the lives saved, the difference. I see it from my small narrow perspective, sometimes I focus too heavily on what I’m going to get rather than what He has already given me. I am learning though and I trust this season of waiting. I am grateful but at times the frustration of not being able to get in my car to go and see my son, or buy groceries, or do something normal like meet up with friends for dinner is too much for me.  The bible says you only need to have faith as small as a mustard seed, but mine is so much bigger and yet I wonder why? Its not like I have anything conclusive to go by. Yes I am healed, after 4 years of suffering it is indeed a miracle that I now feel so well, that I now feel whole, joy, love. It would be easy to argue that God hadn’t healed me, that it was purely the hard work and commitment that I put in to my healing journey. But I know it is God. So how can my faith be so large, how do I know that a miracle is about to come my way. I never question but I wonder why? I feel it, that is true, but more than anything I know it. Because I know my God. He has had me in a season of isolation, grief, suffering, great pain. I have been stripped in a way I never thought possible. illness, diagnoses, mental health, suicide, isolation, unable to talk and function, trauma in my body, the loss of everything I cared about, my career, my friends, my community, my possessions, my body, my mind, but mostly my children. My beloved children. Me broken in a way I never thought it would be possible to survive. But my faith comes becomes He has taught me through this hardship, through this breakdown. Because of it I know Him. I am reborn. The trauma, the abuse, the family dysfunction, the financial hardship, the long family history of alcoholism, depression, addiction, crime, gambling, food disorders, covering the pain, it is in my blood line on both sides. But yet it has taken this to stop it. I am the game changer. That was always going to be my job. God knew I was the one.

This is not about me, it never has been. This is for something far greater. The discomfort I have felt is well worth the healing tht will come for so many. I am comfortable with having had to sacrifice so much to spread the word of the Lord, to help return this world to love. To open peoples eyes, minds, and hearts and show others what is really possible. My words will have little effect and I have no desire to tell people what to do nor write ‘how to’ books and blogs. My actions will have a far greater impact than any words that fall from my mouth.

God is real and I love Him in a way that I’m not sure I can ever explain. He is my savior, as he is yours, and I lay down my life for Him so that He can use me in the way He wishes. So the sacrifices of my current circumstances , the going without, the disappointing of others who I love deeply, the loss, the reality that my life has not felt normal for four long years, it will well be worth it. It already is. I am happier than I have ever been, without any of the things I could once never have imagined living without. I feel peace, joy, love, constantly. I am whole and I am fulfilled right now. I know what is important and I know that without it all I would never know God as I now do- it has been the greatest priveledge of my life to serve Him, to lie down for Him, to surrender it all to Him. I was empty but He has filled me so that I am now bursting, filled to the brim with love, joy, peace and compassion. I now see myself as He has always seen me, regardless of what I have done or will go forward to do. This is it. There are no sacrifices. I am in the kingdom and I am a child of the most high God.

Kylie West
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Turning Anxiety Into LOVE

My experience with anxiety has been crippling. Its kept me housebound for long periods of time, feeling like some kind of alien and has ensured that the most simple of tasks became somewhat impossible. During my most challenging time I was having up to 20 panic attacks a day, in a constant state of flight/fight/freeze mode and leaving the house was not something I could do. I was trying to fight for my life, my body had stopped working, I couldn’t eat, pass a bowel movement, the fatigue kept me glued to my bed, my thyroid and hormones were imbalanced and despite seeing numerous medical specialists nobody could tell me what was happening to my body. My family unit had fallen apart, I could no longer work or support myself, my friendship circle had all but disappeared, and I had absolutely no control over any part of my life. Anxiety had every right to be there.

I have always been an ‘anxious’ person- a constant over thinker, hyper vigilant to other peoples words and actions,  super sensitive in my emotions, and overly critical of every action I make and word that comes out of my mouth. I’ve lived in my head for much of my life, trying to carefully plan everything out to avoid any unnecessary disruptions, trying to play it safe and do what was expected of me. While ever I had this plan in place I was safe. If I knew what was coming I was fine and I adopted many strategies to calm myself throughout the day and night when things got a little rocky. If I could control most of the details of my life there would be no chance of things falling apart – of me falling apart. But things didn’t go according to plan, and there was no way I could continue to live my safe little life. The wheels fell of, many times and with it depression and then anxiety became my new best friends.

 

While anxiety has done its best to freeze me in time, to keep me scared and small, to stop me from living the life I really want to live, its also given me much much more. Anxiety,  has been a blessing- because I’ve chosen to see it that way. Its forced me to confront myself, my life, my patterns of behaviour and thinking, as well as the quality of my self talk. Its given me the skills to really change the way I talk to myself, care for myself and see myself. Anxiety- when I let it be, when I surrendered to it, instead of beating myself up for having it- was very much the precursor for turning to a LOVE based life, and for turning to God.

My anxiety for the most part has disappeared- it no longer greatly impacts my life to the degree that it once did. And I believe thats because of several factors- my gut health and overall health have been rectified, I’m living my life the way I want while also being more present, I’ve made peace with myself and my past, and my self talk has gone from worrying and fretful thoughts to filling my mind with thoughts that are actually helpful, to talking often to God knowing that He will guide and support me through life.  But there are times when it comes back, sometimes I struggle with the most basic things- talking to people, catching public transport, driving in unfamiliar territory. It surprises me to say, that I’ve not experienced any anxiety about trusting that God is in charge, that He has and is about to deliver me miracles beyond my wildest dreams. I don’t feel anxious about these really big things that are happening in my life- like not having a permanent home, a car, a job, cash flow, permanency in the things that I could once never have imagined letting go of. Its a big deal to let go and surrender everything to the Universe, especially with my history of trying to control and plan. But really, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. Its the safest place to be.

Kylie West
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Showing Up For Myself

There are some big shifts happening, in the skies and internally – a calling for change, to come closer to consciousness, to come closer to GOD. For me, its really shown up in the way that I now wish to go forward and live my life. I’m being asked to really commit and devote myself to a life of serving God. Really its about the way I want to feel- to feel nothing but pure LOVE. I spent a long time thinking that I was being called to Serve God, and I still agree wholeheartedly with this notion. I think that ALL of us are called to do so. BUT my focus more than ever is concentrating on the way I feel, and what I want to feel more than anything is LOVE, PEACE, JOY, COMPASSION and CONNECTION. MY DEEPEST WISH IS TO GO THROUGH MY LIFE STAYING IN THIS STATE OF BLISS. I now understand that this is what GOD’S message is all about, that this is what God is.

Marianne Williamson writes in ‘A Return To Love’

Making our goal anything other than peace is emotionally self-destructive. If our goal is to get the job, then thats fine if we do, but if we don’t get the job, we’ll feel depressed. If we make peace our goal, then if we get the job, that’s great, but if we don’t, we’re still peaceful.

So I probe deeper, into myself and this is the question that I find continuously coming up; ‘Where in my daily life am I letting myself down?’. Because I like to work from a positive standpoint I then rephrase this question into ‘What does it mean to really show up for myself and feel the best I possibly can so that I can become the person that God knows I am capable of becoming?’.

There is no benefit to me to be less than I can be. To stay stuck in the smallness of thinking and fearing ‘that there really is no such thing as Universal support or that I shouldn’t expect God’s help or a lifetime of miracles’, is the surest way to keep me from this higher vision. I know its just not the case, but there are times when fear can win out on this. Times when I question what I am doing, when I look at the reality of my situation and think ‘Wow, really what on earth are you doing?’. When I look at my bank account, the fact that I don’t have a permanent residence, or a job or a form of income, or a partner, or even the fact that I don’t have much of a plan (& def NO GOALS- other than to serve) and I have small moments of wondering if I really got it all so very wrong.

This is fear, this is ego. and if I’m not consciously aware of this then it easily takes over. I understand why people don’t believe,  I know many people would be thinking ‘Wake up and come back to reality, get yourself a job ad contribute like your supposed to’. But this is my reality, for me- right now there is no other way. I know that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Because when I let go of the fear and I feel the absolute joy and love of being alive in this moment right now, when I feel Gods presence guiding me, supporting me, loving me- I know that THIS IS REALITY. This is how life is intended to be- for all of us. I expect a miracle, and I know it will come. I know the fact that I am still alive is the greatest miracle of all. I know my only requirement is to turn away from fear and come back to LOVE.

So every day, every moment of every day I move towards LOVE. I make the choice to keep LOVE as the focus. To live in the present instead of carrying my burdens from the past, to pray and ask for help instead of worrying. To follow my intuition instead of thinking that I have to plan my life out in my head. To look at those around me with compassion and love instead of judgement, to make sure my inner voice and thoughts are filled with praise and positivity instead of fear and pain. To feel what I need to feel instead of numbing and running and blaming everyone else. To turn to God instead of turning against Him.

I’m learning, this new way of being. I’m far from perfect at it. I’m awake to the possibility of how much better I can really feel each day, instead of just getting through each day wondering when something exciting is going to happen, putting up with a life that drains me and makes me wonder what its all for. I used to think that somebody would come and save me from the mess I was in, never did I expect that the Saviour I was looking for  would be me turning inwards so that I could turn towards God.

Kylie West
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Your Healing Is Different To Mine

You & I..we’re not the same. We’re different, unique, our biochemistry is different, as are our life experiences. Our opinions, beliefs, knowledge, family history and the way we view the world also..different. Which is why I am so resistant in sharing my journey to wellness and wholeness in the traditional sense. There are a mountain of self help books, blogs and medical guides to tell you what to do, eager to outline all of the things that you are doing wrong. But the truth is I don’t believe a one for all approach is really the answer that we need. I also struggle with the concept that we ‘need fixing’ as opposed to simply accepting where we are in life at this very moment. This life is not about reaching a destination – its not about the past or the future, its about being here NOW, fully present in THIS moment.

If ‘how to’ worked, we would all be well and living the lives of our dreams. I hold on to the belief that true healing can only come when we make the choice to tune in and turn in to ourselves. And yes, it is fair to say that many of us do need some guidance along the way, some awareness into areas that we may never have considered. This is the approach that sits well with me, it feels real and right. Simply because I know what it feels like to be wandering around in no mans land, in the darkness, feeling like your not getting anywhere. And while there is also some benefit to sitting in this darkness, it is a fact that many of us stumble and falter here. Suicide, addiction, crime, family dysfunction, and homelessness are the very real possibilities if we sit idle for too long- if we lose our faith and belief that there can be the possibility of ‘another way’.

I will never tell you what to do, there is no step by step guide. But my hope is that I can guide you  towards your own internal investigation- back into yourself and into the core areas of your life. I will say – ‘what about this?’, ‘lets look here’, with the hope that you may dig deep into these areas of your life, explore, reflect, become curious and brutally honest, and then question if this is something that does actually need your attention in the kindest and gentlest way. At the core foundational level regaining your health is about you regaining the relationship with yourself.

My healing came in waves, but for a long time there was barely any improvement (to the point where it seemed much easier to give up because I believed I would never be okay). A lot of inward work, a huge amount of money going out, major chunks of time (years) spent in absolute loneliness and despair with very little progress in return. The gift was that I was alive- albeit it in a way that I despised. True healing, as you may or may not know is messy and anything but easy and straight forward. My healing came because I knew I was being called to explore every area of my life- not just my health, and not just my mental health. There was a deep innate knowing within that in order for me to ‘heal’, every aspect of my life would need some kind of deep investigation. My beliefs about myself, my thought patterns, my emotions, my boundaries, the food I ate, the daily choices I made (& the underlying reasons as to why I was making them) and the connections I had with those around me, all needed drastic re-allignment. It was and remains a delicate weaving together of several complex and essential areas. All which by themselves matter greatly, but the beauty lies within piecing all of these unique and individual areas so that they could begin to fit together in some kind of ‘wobbly wholeness’. And herein lies the beauty of doing the work. You get to structure this in your own way, to move and bend, to flow and ebb, to evolve and give yourself permission to sink back into the darkness when needed, equipped to readjust, re align and re-invent the right formula FOR YOU. There is no quick fix, the healing comes by moving through the process.

This writing has the very real possibility of becoming lengthy, so I suspect this will be the first part of a series of blog posts. However I feel it makes sense to give an overview of the areas in my life that needed addressing.

  1. Relationship with Self (underneath that is the relationship with God).
  2. Health – in particularly gut health and using a food as medicine approach.
  3. Connections with others
  4. Higher purpose- what are you really here for
  5. Fear and our inner thoughts
  6. Emotions and pain

 

  1. Above and beyond anything else this is the most vital point that holds and connects everything else together. This is the crux, the link, the key.  And it is of course, THE RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE WITH OURSELF.  How we view ourself, what we believe to be true about who we are, how we talk to ourself, how we care for ourselves. And I’m talking about the real essence of who we are.  Not the part of you that puts on an act, pretends that everything is okay, hides behind money/ appearance/ achievement/names/roles and identities. I’m talking about the most vulnerable, sensitive and raw part of us- the part that most of us try to desperately hide away or constantly try to better by achieving more/looking a certain way/ owning certain things/ maintaining a certain image.

This requires – for most of us- a new approach, a gentleness of deep and profound care for our inner most selves. An awareness that we may have for much of our lives been running from who we really are.  It is without a doubt the hardest work of all.  And while it may sound relatively simple, it is anything but. And if that little voice is coming up from within ‘I’m really okay with myself’, pause. Pause and ask yourself this. ‘If I was stripped of everything that I have in my life- my family, my partner, my children, my job, the way I look, my possessions, my friends, my achievements and credentials- would I still be okay with myself? Could I still hold my head high and believe that I am enough?’.

This is about deconstructing layer upon layer of conditioning within ourselves – from society, family, teachers, relatives, friends, coaches, colleagues and workplaces. Of who we should be, how we should be, and how we need to be living. An honest digging into oneself is needed, to peel back layer after layer until the ugliness and truth is finally revealed. And I agree very few of us would go here voluntarily. We only end up here when we are forced, when we have ignored the signs for far too long. To walk head in to ourselves is the most brutal and confronting place we may ever find ourselves. It is also the place that if we let it can change our lives. Far easier it becomes to run from our pain, to numb it with whatever feels good, to deny that there is really anything wrong at all. Much easier to blame our defaults on our illnesses, our idiosynchrocies, and those that have wronged us. Much easier to carry the pain for the rest of our lives, than spend time in the discomfort before understanding what true freedom really is.

Illness, and mental illness in particular is a call to our soul. It is our bodies and our minds screaming from the inside out- something is not right. It then, when given the chance, has the opportunity to be the catalyst for change and an opportunity for us to reclaim our true essence. It is and can be exactly the thing that brings us back to our truth.

And what do we gain from healing the relationship with ones self? A gentleness, where grace, courage and love become the foundations of our life. No more pushing, no more berating, no more striving, no more rushing, no more pleasing others, no more comparison and thinking that we can’t do it, no more betraying ourselves. No more living in FEAR, but instead an opportunity to return to the only thing any of us need. A return to LOVE- with the firm foundation and knowing that we can honour our sacredness and use LOVE as the foundation for all that we are, knowing this is more than enough. (Its much more then self-care and self-love).

 

 

 

 

 

Kylie West
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What Is It All For?

I believe we create the majority of the experiences in our lives. The things that happen in our daily lives are a reflection of our thoughts, beliefs and expectations. God is there overseeing it all –  but not to punish you. The end goal is always to return to LOVE, to return to yourself, to return to GOD.

But what happens before, can be hard and cruel. It can leave you in absolute despair and it can take everything from you – your people, your heart, your dignity, your soul. These experiences occur only to brig you back into alignment, return you to your truth, reconnect you to the flow and support of the Universe.

The struggle, the adversity, the grief, the heartache are the very things that can bring you back.

 

I don’t think many people see it that way though, and I know I didn’t until I had no choice but to. The choice I was left with was either to take my own life or to change my thinking and address the underlying pain and grief that had taken over my mind and my body. Changing my mindset from ‘Its not fair’, ‘Why me’, ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’, ‘Why am I always the one that has to go through sh*t’, ‘I cant do this anymore’ was hard. Depression kept these stories on a constant cycle in my head, growing in intensity until I could no longer bare to look at myself in the mirror, no longer work, talk, eat, leave the house, or see a way out (other than death).

 

My story began to change the moment I started telling myself a new one. To try and see things from a different perspective. When I found some moments to try and let some new thoughts in to the cloudiness and fogginess. I wanted to bury myself in alcohol, I wanted to desperately cling to everything that I was losing, I longed to disappear and wake up in a whole new world, I wanted to scream, yell and seek revenge on the people that had hurt me. But mostly I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Depleted, deflated, dead but somehow still breathing. I was starting from the very bottom.

 

But this new way meant doing things that I had never done before. I had never hated myself more, never been so disappointed in myself, never felt so alone and afraid, never had so many negative and cruel thoughts running through my head. But I had to find a way to be kind to myself, I had to believe that I was worth fighting for. And for a long time I didn’t believe it, I couldn’t convince myself that I was worthy of being alive. Instead I told myself lies, I said a mantra over and over ‘I am enough’. I felt like a fraud but I knew if I didn’t break up the constant stream of negative and spiteful thoughts nothing would ever change and my children would be going through the rest of their lives without their mother. I knew that it was my job to break the cycle- nothing has ever been clearer to me. ‘I am enough’ – I said it hundreds of times a day, everytime I thought about the long list of crappy things that had happened in my life, when I thought about all that I had lost, when I thought about all of the ways in which I had failed in life, when I thought about trying to kill myself- these are the words that I would say.

And that was how I began. Saying this mantra, listening to Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer on constant repeat. This is how my three year journey into myself began. And along the way something happened that I didn’t expect. I realized that I really was enough- just me as I was, without any of the things I thought I needed, without the roles and identities I had hidden behind for so long. Facing the pain head on and doing things my way – I actually began to like myself, I started to have respect for myself and I started to realise the power of changing the relationship with myself. The Universe pushed me down until I had nothing left, so that I could make the most important realisation of all. I did matter, I was worth the fight, I could love myself and come to realise that my love was actually Gods love, that He was within me, and had been all along. I could live a life of LOVE because that’s what I was, that’s what we all are.

 

 

 

Kylie West
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Are You Ready?

I now know there is another way. Another way of living, and feeling. I’ve done both – the hard way full of struggle, heartache, fighting, feeling alone, going around in the never ending cycle of life wondering when things are finally going to fall into place. Falling into the rut of complacency (work/kids/mortgage/drinking), feeling misunderstood and that I didn’t belong in this world, feeling that nobody really ‘got’ who I was and what I had been through, believing that I was cursed and constantly being punished.

But now I know better. Now I know that there is such a thing as Universal support and guidance, that GOD is real, that each of us are here to live the life we have always dreamed about, that each of us are here to experience the JOY OF BEING ALIVE.  Now I know that every experience we go through is preparing us in some way to become the person that we always were (before everyone told us how we should be), every single thing that happens to us is so that we can grow and evolve back into LOVE, back into our own truth. back into who we were always supposed to be. We get to choose..always. We can choose to stay in the same cycle, attracting the same experiences, living in the same mindset OR, we can choose differently. We can choose to believe that there is another way, a better way, our way, GODS WAY.

My focus now is simple. To feel as good as I can possibly feel, to be in complete alignment with Source and to attract the experiences that will see me fulfilling my highest potential. I  know that the Universe holds the reigns, I know that I’m not in control, I know that my only job is to live the way I really want to and let go of the rubbish that weighs me down (comparison, doubt, whining, holding on to grief and anger, illness, resentment, guilt, shame, caring about what others think and buying into the fear that I’m not good enough). Instead I choose to focus on what actually matters; love, joy, appreciation, trust and listening to the deep wisdom within me (instead of the voice of fear). I don’t need to do anything else, I can sit steady knowing that God has me exactly where he wants me.

 

I’m in this place now, a place I’ve never before been, not really knowing what is coming next but having absolute faith and trust that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m so far out of my comfort zone it seems almost ridiculous, but I’m also more ME than I’ve ever been before.  FULL HEART, calm, present, at peace. I sense who it is I can be, but I also know I am already her. The answers are so clear; who am I, what matters, how do I want to be, how do I want to move through my life, how do I wish to spend my time, why am I here, what has this been all about?  Its all so clear, I know the answers innately. There is no internal hustle, no busting myself, no beating myself up, no daily gind of trying to make it all work the way I think it should, no trying to plan and control. Just trusting, just believing, just being present, just feeling great.

I’m here in this beautiful peaceful place, because I fell apart. Because I had a breakdown, because my whole life fell apart, because nobody knew what was wrong with me, because I have known immense pain, because people have hurt me in so many ways, because I had severe depression, anxiety and a long list of labels that were supposed to dictate the remainder of my life. I’m here because the worst thing that I thought could ever happen to me, happened.

I found a way through it, to the other side, to a world I never knew existed. I found my way through because I refused to believe that there was no way out, because I refused to carry the pain of my past with me, because I refused to believe that I was only ever going to know grief and despair. I found it through because I trusted something deep within me, I did the work when all I wanted to do was die, I stayed dedicated to myself when I hated myself like I never had before, I held on to the ‘bigger’ vision when I was completely alone and could no longer get out of bed.  I made it through because I faced the darkness instead of trying to escape it. I made it through because I REALISED THAT I ACTUALLY MATTERED. Greatly, to myself and to GOD. I made it through in to a new way of being that I had always believed was possible. I made it through. So that I can live the way GOD always intended me to live.  I made it through so I could show you that you can too.

Can that be enough for you to now ask yourself a new question? Can you allow yourself to open up to a new possibility, a new way of being? Are you willing to let go of the old way, the old story, the old pain that tells you your forever stuck and trapped. Can you surrender to something new? The belief that YOU are really worth fighting for. YOU ARE, I BELIEVE IT WITH ALL OF MY HEART, I JUST NEED YOU TO BELIEVE IT AS WELL.

 

 

Kylie West
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After The Fall, What Then?

What next after the fall?

A commitment to myself, one that I unknowingly made to myself a long time ago.

The commitment of living my life the way that I want, in the way which feels real and true to me. The relief of knowing that I can really be who God always intended me to be. The realization that I never need betray myself again.

 

The continual coming back to myself filled with utter self-respect for all that I am and all that I have endured,  so that the only way forward is to continue to live a life filled with love. Love for myself, mother earth and for all others that surround me. To make choices- the tiny little choices everyday- that align with my soul, my spirit, that fill me and make me whole. To go forth knowing that I have been given the greatest gift on earth. An opportunity to walk away from a life of pain and suffering and choose again. To strip away the many layers of who I thought I needed to be and instead just be.

My structure feels strong, steady, grounded. I have everything that I could ever possibly need. I feel more like myself than I have ever felt before. I know the stripping, the bareness, the rawness, the pain, the loss and the grief has led me here.

My sacredness comes before all else, the deep love and respect I now have for myself will see me through whatever comes next. I am open to receive, to hear, to grow, to learn, to love, to lose, and if need be to fall again – knowing that within it all there are more gifts for me to unravel. Gratitude fills me, as does the reminder that I don’t need to know what comes next, I can surrender into this moment knowing this is the only moment that matters.

My heart is whole, my soul is at peace, my body is stong, my courage is willing to take me to where I never thought I could go. Now I know the truth , now I know that this sense of wholeness has always been within me, I have always been enough, I will always be enough. I am more than enough.

Kylie West
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Finding Me, Finding GOD

To feel this close to myself, to feel this close to GOD. The stillness, the peace, the love, the knowing. To feel so light, so loved, so bewildered with the beauty that surrounds me almost makes me believe that I am removed from the real world. But this is the real world, that I now know for sure. This is how we are supposed to feel, to be, this almost euphoric super natural way is in actual fact our intended natural state of being.

 

This is the World that we are all searching for. This is what the longing, emptiness, suffering and searching that I have known for much of my life has all been about. How is it that I have lived so long without this? How blessed I am to have finally found ‘it’. Knowing that everything I had been searching for was already within me. This is what God wants for all of us, to transcend our pain and suffering, to walk through it knowing that we are being guided to such beauty, such joy, that when you arrive ‘it’ makes you bow down in gratitude to the pain that led you there.

Pain made me find it. Grief, suffering, anguish, despair all forcing me into a world that I could never imagine existed. I had to finally crack,  lose my mind, my body, my family, my old self – and in doing so could finally find me, finally find GOD. I turned inwards into the places I had long forgotten, buried, hidden from, I turned into myself knowing the things I would find were the very things I had spent a lifetime running from.

God pulled my life apart so that I could put myself back together in the way that He intended. I had to dismantle all of the pieces of me, stare into the ugliness, the buried secrets, the lies, the truth. It was time. I spent three years in a world of pain – living it, breathing it, feeling it, healing from it. I had to go to the depths of despair to get to the other side. There were many times when I was sure I couldn’t make it, when I couldn’t stand the pain any more. But GOD had a plan. He knew that I could even before I knew that I would.

I did many things to heal myself, to find myself and to find GOD within. And when the time is right I will write about them. But for now, this is enough. For now I am in awe knowing that I am no longer seperate, I am part of the Universal force so strong, so mighty, so encompassing, and so graceful that no matter what comes next – this is all I will ever need.

 

Kylie West
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Can You Believe?

Can you believe that we are all connected to Source Energy, can you trust that the Universe really is working to bring you the life that you desire, can you let go and trust that you really are being looked after in a way that you can’t even begin to imagine? I understand why so many people can’t fully fathom these truths. I understand why its so easy to need to plan, think and control every aspect your life so that you feel like your in some kind of control. I get that when things keep going wrong its almost impossible to believe that there is a GOD, and there is a bigger reason for the suffering you have endured.

I have questioned all of it, I have wanted to be a non-believer, I have longed to wallow in my pain and suffering and I have come close to taking my life because I could not see a way out. But the thing is, as much as I have hurt, as hard as its all been, I know that there is a force within me that many may not understand or comprehend. Its a knowing – so strong that there is no way I can run from it, no way that I can betray it. It is God within, guiding me, strengthening me, and showing me that I have never been alone.

But it has taken a very long time to fully trust, to fully surrender, to fully understand. I have been dedicated- almost without even realising- to fulfilling this destiny that God has given me and is so entwined within me. It is not something that is seperate from me- it is me. I didn’t just wake up one morning and think ‘I’m really going to trust the Universe, I’m going to start believing that what Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, & Oprah say must be the truth’. And while they certainly opened my eyes and led me to fully comprehend what can happen when you align with the magic of the Universe, the reality is I already had this truth within me. I knew without even realising I knew.

I knew 13 years ago when I felt the emptiness in my marriage, I knew when I left various jobs because I felt so unfulfilled, I knew when I chose not to jump into relationships with men that really liked me (even when I had been single for a really long time), I knew every time something went wrong in my life and I especially knew when I had my breakdown and struggled for 3 years with chronic illness and depression. I just knew that the emptiness and longing for more was something that would eventually go- I just hadn’t realised that the answer was to turn inwards.

Had I not stayed true to myself and followed my intuition, had I of listened to the fear and the logical reasoning of my mind, had I of stayed living my life the way I thought I was ‘supposed’ to because I didn’t want to hurt anyone or let anyone down then I believe that this knowing would have faded. I have stayed dedicated to this knowing that there is a power much bigger than you or I could even begin to understand. I have stayed dedicated because the other option would have destroyed me more. I have stayed dedicated because I know I am here to Serve, I have stayed dedicated because it is the only thing I really know how to do.

 

Kylie West
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To Live Like GOD

I understand now, better than I ever have before. Why we are here, what this life is really about, what we are all searching for, why so many of us can’t seem to escape the feeling that there is supposed to be ‘more’ in our lives. Our only responsibility while we are here in our physical bodies is to re-connect to our Highest Source, to connect with GOD and to live as GOD lives. To be and to see the world with only love, grace, goodness, compassion, kindness and forgiveness.  To come to the realisation that what we are searching for, longing for, pushing for is the beauty and peace that already exists within each of us. To know that we are the Universe, we are GOD, we are LOVE. And that all of us in some way are here to Serve.

And when we find it, when we do nothing but listen to the deep wisdom within each of us, when we love ourselves unconditionally in the way that GOD loves us, when we strip ourselves back to our rawest form, when we live the way that we truly desire without trying to please anyone except our higher selves…then we know that the pain, the suffering, the broken-ness was not a waste. It was the greatest blessing we could have ever received.

I’m feeling mighty blessed today.

But from the outside if you had a snapshot into my life you would probably think differently. Because this is my reality. I don’t have a permanent home, I’m currently living by myself in a camper trailer by the beach, I don’t have a job, I don’t have a partner, or a big group of friends, I don’t drink, I don’t eat sugar, caffeine, processed foods, dairy, gluten, grains, legumes or anything that is not of the highest possible quality. I don’t have a 5 year plan, or goals or a vision board. I’m not busting myself to get back on my feet and show everyone that I am okay. My phone died and my computer is on its last legs and I may have to sell my car. I own very little and I wear the same clothes over and over.  There is a lot going on within my family including financial struggles, illness, and relationship issues. Money is low and I’m not sure whats going to happen in the next week or month, let alone in the next year.

But what I do know is this. I AM HAPPY, because I have found peace within. God has a plan for me, bigger than what I could even begin to imagine. I am protected, I am safe, I am aligned with the power of the Universe. I surrender to it all, I let go of control and I let go of having to know. Because I have done the work, I have taken the harder path, I have stayed true to myself in every way possible. I am next in line for a miracle. And I know it will come exactly when the time is right. In the meantime I’m having fun, feeling joy and making the right choices for me. That’s all I have to do, thats all I will continue to do.

 

 

 

Kylie West
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