What Is It All For?

I believe God gives you the experiences you need to get you to where He wants you to be. The end goal is always to return to LOVE, to return to yourself, to return to GOD, and when you do this – then you can fulfill the dream within you.

But what happens before, can be hard and cruel. It can leave you in absolute despair and it can take everything from you – your people, your heart, your dignity, your soul. These experiences occur only to brig you back into alignment, return you to your truth, reconnect you to the flow and support of the Universe.

The struggle, the adversity, the grief, the heartache are the very things that can bring you back.

 

I don’t think many people see it that way though, and I know I didn’t until I had no choice but to. The choice I was left with was either to take my own life or to change my thinking and address the underlying pain and grief that had taken over my mind and my body. Changing my mindset from ‘Its not fair’, ‘Why me’, ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’, ‘Why am I always the one that has to go through sh*t’, ‘I cant do this anymore’ was hard. Depression kept these stories on a constant cycle in my head, growing in intensity until I could no longer bare to look at myself in the mirror, no longer work, talk, eat, leave the house, or see a way out (other than death).

 

My story began to change the moment I started telling myself a new one. To try and see things from a different perspective. When I found some moments to try and let some new thoughts in to the cloudiness and fogginess. I wanted to bury myself in alcohol, I wanted to desperately cling to everything that I was losing, I longed to disappear and wake up in a whole new world, I wanted to scream, yell and seek revenge on the people that had hurt me. But mostly I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Depleted, deflated, dead but somehow still breathing. I was starting from the very bottom.

 

But this new way meant doing things that I had never done before. I had never hated myself more, never been so disappointed in myself, never felt so alone and afraid, never had so many negative and cruel thoughts running through my head. But I had to find a way to be kind to myself, I had to believe that I was worth fighting for. And for a long time I didn’t believe it, I couldn’t convince myself that I was worthy of being alive. Instead I told myself lies, I said a mantra over and over ‘I am enough’. I felt like a fraud but I knew if I didn’t break up the constant stream of negative and spiteful thoughts nothing would ever change and my children would be going through the rest of their lives without their mother. I knew that it was my job to break the cycle- nothing has ever been clearer to me. ‘I am enough’ – I said it hundreds of times a day, everytime I thought about the long list of crappy things that had happened in my life, when I thought about all that I had lost, when I thought about all of the ways in which I had failed in life, when I thought about trying to kill myself- these are the words that I would say.

And that was how I began. Saying this mantra, listening to Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer on constant repeat. This is how my three year journey into myself began. And along the way something happened that I didn’t expect. I realized that I really was enough- just me as I was, without any of the things I thought I needed, without the roles and identities I had hidden behind for so long. Facing the pain head on and doing things my way – I actually began to like myself, I started to have respect for myself and I started to realise the power of changing the relationship with myself. The Universe pushed me down until I had nothing left, so that I could make the most important realisation of all. I did matter, I was worth the fight, I could love myself and come to realise that my love was actually Gods love, that He was within me, and had been all along. I could live a life of LOVE because that’s what I was, that’s what we all are.

 

 

 

Kylie West
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Are You Ready?

I now know there is another way. Another way of living, and feeling. I’ve done both – the hard way full of struggle, heartache, fighting, feeling alone, going around in the never ending cycle of life wondering when things are finally going to fall into place. Falling into the rut of complacency (work/kids/mortgage/drinking), feeling misunderstood and that I didn’t belong in this world, feeling that nobody really ‘got’ who I was and what I had been through, believing that I was cursed and constantly being punished.

But now I know better. Now I know that there is such a thing as Universal support and guidance, that GOD is real, that each of us are here to live the life we have always dreamed about, that each of us are here to experience the JOY OF BEING ALIVE.  Now I know that every experience we go through is preparing us in some way to become the person that we always were (before everyone told us how we should be), every single thing that happens to us is so that we can grow and evolve back into LOVE, back into our own truth. back into who we were always supposed to be. We get to choose..always. We can choose to stay in the same cycle, attracting the same experiences, living in the same mindset OR, we can choose differently. We can choose to believe that there is another way, a better way, our way, GODS WAY.

My focus now is simple. To feel as good as I can possibly feel, to be in complete alignment with Source and to attract the experiences that will see me fulfilling my highest potential. I  know that the Universe holds the reigns, I know that I’m not in control, I know that my only job is to live the way I really want to and let go of the rubbish that weighs me down (comparison, doubt, whining, holding on to grief and anger, illness, resentment, guilt, shame, caring about what others think and buying into the fear that I’m not good enough). Instead I choose to focus on what actually matters; love, joy, appreciation, trust and listening to the deep wisdom within me (instead of the voice of fear). I don’t need to do anything else, I can sit steady knowing that God has me exactly where he wants me.

 

I’m in this place now, a place I’ve never before been, not really knowing what is coming next but having absolute faith and trust that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m so far out of my comfort zone it seems almost ridiculous, but I’m also more ME than I’ve ever been before.  FULL HEART, calm, present, at peace. I sense who it is I can be, but I also know I am already her. The answers are so clear; who am I, what matters, how do I want to be, how do I want to move through my life, how do I wish to spend my time, why am I here, what has this been all about?  Its all so clear, I know the answers innately. There is no internal hustle, no busting myself, no beating myself up, no daily gind of trying to make it all work the way I think it should, no trying to plan and control. Just trusting, just believing, just being present, just feeling great.

I’m here in this beautiful peaceful place, because I fell apart. Because I had a breakdown, because my whole life fell apart, because nobody knew what was wrong with me, because I have known immense pain, because people have hurt me in so many ways, because I had severe depression, anxiety and a long list of labels that were supposed to dictate the remainder of my life. I’m here because the worst thing that I thought could ever happen to me, happened.

I found a way through it, to the other side, to a world I never knew existed. I found my way through because I refused to believe that there was no way out, because I refused to carry the pain of my past with me, because I refused to believe that I was only ever going to know grief and despair. I found it through because I trusted something deep within me, I did the work when all I wanted to do was die, I stayed dedicated to myself when I hated myself like I never had before, I held on to the ‘bigger’ vision when I was completely alone and could no longer get out of bed.  I made it through because I faced the darkness instead of trying to escape it. I made it through because I REALISED THAT I ACTUALLY MATTERED. Greatly, to myself and to GOD. I made it through in to a new way of being that I had always believed was possible. I made it through. So that I can live the way GOD always intended me to live.  I made it through so I could show you that you can too.

Can that be enough for you to now ask yourself a new question? Can you allow yourself to open up to a new possibility, a new way of being? Are you willing to let go of the old way, the old story, the old pain that tells you your forever stuck and trapped. Can you surrender to something new? The belief that YOU are really worth fighting for. YOU ARE, I BELIEVE IT WITH ALL OF MY HEART, I JUST NEED YOU TO BELIEVE IT AS WELL.

 

 

Kylie West
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After The Fall, What Then?

What next after the fall?

A commitment to myself, one that I unknowingly made to myself a long time ago.

The commitment of living my life the way that I want, in the way which feels real and true to me. The relief of knowing that I can really be who God always intended me to be. The realization that I never need betray myself again.

 

The continual coming back to myself filled with utter self-respect for all that I am and all that I have endured,  so that the only way forward is to continue to live a life filled with love. Love for myself, mother earth and for all others that surround me. To make choices- the tiny little choices everyday- that align with my soul, my spirit, that fill me and make me whole. To go forth knowing that I have been given the greatest gift on earth. An opportunity to walk away from a life of pain and suffering and choose again. To strip away the many layers of who I thought I needed to be and instead just be.

My structure feels strong, steady, grounded. I have everything that I could ever possibly need. I feel more like myself than I have ever felt before. I know the stripping, the bareness, the rawness, the pain, the loss and the grief has led me here.

My sacredness comes before all else, the deep love and respect I now have for myself will see me through whatever comes next. I am open to receive, to hear, to grow, to learn, to love, to lose, and if need be to fall again – knowing that within it all there are more gifts for me to unravel. Gratitude fills me, as does the reminder that I don’t need to know what comes next, I can surrender into this moment knowing this is the only moment that matters.

My heart is whole, my soul is at peace, my body is stong, my courage is willing to take me to where I never thought I could go. Now I know the truth , now I know that this sense of wholeness has always been within me, I have always been enough, I will always be enough. I am more than enough.

Kylie West
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Finding Me, Finding GOD

To feel this close to myself, to feel this close to GOD. The stillness, the peace, the love, the knowing. To feel so light, so loved, so bewildered with the beauty that surrounds me almost makes me believe that I am removed from the real world. But this is the real world, that I now know for sure. This is how we are supposed to feel, to be, this almost euphoric super natural way is in actual fact our intended natural state of being.

 

This is the World that we are all searching for. This is what the longing, emptiness, suffering and searching that I have known for much of my life has all been about. How is it that I have lived so long without this? How blessed I am to have finally found ‘it’. Knowing that everything I had been searching for was already within me. This is what God wants for all of us, to transcend our pain and suffering, to walk through it knowing that we are being guided to such beauty, such joy, that when you arrive ‘it’ makes you bow down in gratitude to the pain that led you there.

Pain made me find it. Grief, suffering, anguish, despair all forcing me into a world that I could never imagine existed. I had to finally crack,  lose my mind, my body, my family, my old self – and in doing so could finally find me, finally find GOD. I turned inwards into the places I had long forgotten, buried, hidden from, I turned into myself knowing the things I would find were the very things I had spent a lifetime running from.

God pulled my life apart so that I could put myself back together in the way that He intended. I had to dismantle all of the pieces of me, stare into the ugliness, the buried secrets, the lies, the truth. It was time. I spent three years in a world of pain – living it, breathing it, feeling it, healing from it. I had to go to the depths of despair to get to the other side. There were many times when I was sure I couldn’t make it, when I couldn’t stand the pain any more. But GOD had a plan. He knew that I could even before I knew that I would.

I did many things to heal myself, to find myself and to find GOD within. And when the time is right I will write about them. But for now, this is enough. For now I am in awe knowing that I am no longer seperate, I am part of the Universal force so strong, so mighty, so encompassing, and so graceful that no matter what comes next – this is all I will ever need.

 

Kylie West
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Can You Believe?

Can you believe that we are all connected to Source Energy, can you trust that the Universe really is working to bring you the life that you desire, can you let go and trust that you really are being looked after in a way that you can’t even begin to imagine? I understand why so many people can’t fully fathom these truths. I understand why its so easy to need to plan, think and control every aspect your life so that you feel like your in some kind of control. I get that when things keep going wrong its almost impossible to believe that there is a GOD, and there is a bigger reason for the suffering you have endured.

I have questioned all of it, I have wanted to be a non-believer, I have longed to wallow in my pain and suffering and I have come close to taking my life because I could not see a way out. But the thing is, as much as I have hurt, as hard as its all been, I know that there is a force within me that many may not understand or comprehend. Its a knowing – so strong that there is no way I can run from it, no way that I can betray it. It is God within, guiding me, strengthening me, and showing me that I have never been alone.

But it has taken a very long time to fully trust, to fully surrender, to fully understand. I have been dedicated- almost without even realising- to fulfilling this destiny that God has given me and is so entwined within me. It is not something that is seperate from me- it is me. I didn’t just wake up one morning and think ‘I’m really going to trust the Universe, I’m going to start believing that what Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, & Oprah say must be the truth’. And while they certainly opened my eyes and led me to fully comprehend what can happen when you align with the magic of the Universe, the reality is I already had this truth within me. I knew without even realising I knew.

I knew 13 years ago when I felt the emptiness in my marriage, I knew when I left various jobs because I felt so unfulfilled, I knew when I chose not to jump into relationships with men that really liked me (even when I had been single for a really long time), I knew every time something went wrong in my life and I especially knew when I had my breakdown and struggled for 3 years with chronic illness and depression. I just knew that the emptiness and longing for more was something that would eventually go- I just hadn’t realised that the answer was to turn inwards.

Had I not stayed true to myself and followed my intuition, had I of listened to the fear and the logical reasoning of my mind, had I of stayed living my life the way I thought I was ‘supposed’ to because I didn’t want to hurt anyone or let anyone down then I believe that this knowing would have faded. I have stayed dedicated to this knowing that there is a power much bigger than you or I could even begin to understand. I have stayed dedicated because the other option would have destroyed me more. I have stayed dedicated because I know I am here to Serve, I have stayed dedicated because it is the only thing I really know how to do.

 

Kylie West
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To Live Like GOD

I understand now, better than I ever have before. Why we are here, what this life is really about, what we are all searching for, why so many of us can’t seem to escape the feeling that there is supposed to be ‘more’ in our lives. Our only responsibility while we are here in our physical bodies is to re-connect to our Highest Source, to connect with GOD and to live as GOD lives. To be and to see the world with only love, grace, goodness, compassion, kindness and forgiveness.  To come to the realisation that what we are searching for, longing for, pushing for is the beauty and peace that already exists within each of us. To know that we are the Universe, we are GOD, we are LOVE. And that all of us in some way are here to Serve.

And when we find it, when we do nothing but listen to the deep wisdom within each of us, when we love ourselves unconditionally in the way that GOD loves us, when we strip ourselves back to our rawest form, when we live the way that we truly desire without trying to please anyone except our higher selves…then we know that the pain, the suffering, the broken-ness was not a waste. It was the greatest blessing we could have ever received.

I’m feeling mighty blessed today.

But from the outside if you had a snapshot into my life you would probably think differently. Because this is my reality. I don’t have a permanent home, I’m currently living by myself in a camper trailer by the beach, I don’t have a job, I don’t have a partner, or a big group of friends, I don’t drink, I don’t eat sugar, caffeine, processed foods, dairy, gluten, grains, legumes or anything that is not of the highest possible quality. I don’t have a 5 year plan, or goals or a vision board. I’m not busting myself to get back on my feet and show everyone that I am okay. My phone died and my computer is on its last legs and I may have to sell my car. I own very little and I wear the same clothes over and over.  There is a lot going on within my family including financial struggles, illness, and relationship issues. Money is low and I’m not sure whats going to happen in the next week or month, let alone in the next year.

But what I do know is this. I AM HAPPY, because I have found peace within. God has a plan for me, bigger than what I could even begin to imagine. I am protected, I am safe, I am aligned with the power of the Universe. I surrender to it all, I let go of control and I let go of having to know. Because I have done the work, I have taken the harder path, I have stayed true to myself in every way possible. I am next in line for a miracle. And I know it will come exactly when the time is right. In the meantime I’m having fun, feeling joy and making the right choices for me. That’s all I have to do, thats all I will continue to do.

 

 

 

Kylie West
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RISING

I have no doubt that many would view having a complete breakdown, and having your life completely dismantled would be the worst thing that could ever happen in a persons life time. I know. I thought it for a long time as well and I can remember as a child hearing about people that had had ‘nervous breakdowns’ and understanding at a very young age that having a breakdown was something I should never do. But I did. Insanity became my new norm, along with the deep desire to want to die. Now I know this fall is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

 

What must happen in ones life to believe that the only choice you have left is to take your own life? How many times do you have to fail and fall before you can take no more?  To no longer want to exist in your reality, no longer feel the love, joy, and excitement that life is. To feel that nobody in the whole world needs you, understands you, wants you, desires you or loves you for who you really are, and to believe that you are nothing but a disappointment and a failure to the people closest to you. It is without doubt the lonliest place anyone could ever find themselves.

 

There were many reasons why I had a breakdown but there were also many reasons I made the choice not to take my own life. At the time I was literally losing my mind, I was also firm in my belief and knowing that I was being directed to something ‘better’. Losing my mind, my body, my health, my family, my career, and my friends within a short space of time pushed me into a darkness I never believed was possible. I had known depression before,  and for close to a decade I had navigated, medicated and managed the rocky terrain of living, working, studying, raising children, re-building my self and my life all with the heaviness of depression continuously weighing me down. In contrast that depression seemed like a walk in the park compared to what I have endured over the past three years. Now I know that decade of depression was getting me ready to battle the biggest fall of my life – those years were the stepping stones that taught me how to rise, how to pick myself up again and again. The difference now is that I have learnt to rise with an open heart and to turn away from fear. I do this not because I believe nothing bad will ever happen to me again, but because I know I can now get through anything simply because I have come back to who I really am. I am firm in my belief that I am enough just as I am, I am no longer buying into the old sad story that the world is against me.

 

Today, sitting here writing this it almost feels as though it happened to somebody else..(almost!). I feel so well, I feel so free and I feel beyond blessed that I found my way through to the other side. This knowing that I am so supported, connected and loved by a force much bigger than myself could never have occurred otherwise. This turning from fear to love would for me otherwise have remained undone.

 

My breakdown was the catalyst for changing my life and essentially changing the person that I was. I can’t go back to living my life the way I used to. Working in a job that I didn’t particularly enjoy (but I convinced myself that it was fine because it payed well and there was a certain amount of prestige with it- hello ego!!), feeling constantly tired and fatigued and battling with health issues (and believing it was a normal part of growing older), always rushing and busy, overstretched (yet never feeling like I was doing anything well and never feeling fully present), struggling with money and always feeling broke (despite earning the most I had ever earned), and never feeling fully connected to those around me (I had shut my heart off because I was carrying so much pain and hurt from my past. It was easier to put my guard up and try to protect myself rather than open to others).

 

This morning I read this quote from Brene Brown and it resonated..deeply.

There is no greater threat to the critics, the cynics and fearmongers than a woman who is willing to fall because she has learned how to rise.

 

I read it and I felt it..the words resonating from deep within. I know I’ve fallen, and I know I’ve risen to levels I never thought possible. But the rising hasn’t just happened now, I didn’t wake up one morning and say ‘Yep I’ve made it, I’ve risen once again’. This rising was a slow and challenging process where it felt like I lost myself over and over again. Rising happened the moment I made the decision to not take my own life, it happened the moment I decided to confront and feel the pain I had been holding on to for a lifetime, it happened when I made the commitment to no longer betray myself, to learn to finally love and respect myself, when I made the decision to do whatever I needed to do to return to the me that I really am. I rose when I looked for the light amongst the darkness. I rose when I stayed committled to believing that the Universe has me cradled securely within its grips. Rising feels like strength, like truth and like real courage. But at the time it felt like nakedness and absolute vulnerability. Many times it felt like weakness.

I rise- not because I feel as though I have to prove myself after my falling but rather because rising for me means coming back to the truth of who I really am – who God intended me to be- and for me there is no greater achievement in life than that.

Every day I make the choice to continue to rise.  Rising for me comes from the most basic of choices I make…the food I eat, the way I move my body, the way I talk to myself, the way I speak and interact to others around me, the daily choices that I make that will either benefit me or hinder me, the time I put myself to bed, the way I allow other peoples actions to affect me. Its all a form of rising. Its all a form of LOVE.

 

 

 

Kylie West
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WHY GOD, WHY?

At the end of last week something really tragic happened. One of my sons school friends was involved in a car accident that took her life. On Monday, on the day my son turned 18, on the day that he has been looking forward to and counting down for months he gathered at school with the rest of his year group to attend a ceremony organised by the school. Afterwards he and his friends got really drunk and later that afternoon when he came to see me he cried as I held him, he cried trying to explain how he was feeling, he cried relaying the events that had occurred. Later I cried at the loss of this young girls life, I cried because my son was hurting so much and I cried because as much as I understand why God does what he does- sometimes it is just too much for me to comprehend.

I know that there are no mistakes, I know there is a higher purpose behind what happened, I know that the passing of this beautiful sweet girl to the non physical world would have been filled with absolute love and light, but still it hurt. And when I woke up the next day I was ANGRY. Angry at God, angry at the circumstances that surrounded the accident, angry that a good family were going through unbearable pain and anguish, angry that this could have a negative impact on my son. I stayed angry for hours until I remembered that I was allowed to be angry. That I was supposed to feel it, that it was okay to feel everything I was feeling. And when I felt and confronted what was underneath this anger (my fear), this anger suddenly disappeared and replacing it was the greatest feeling of love. I made the choice not to get stuck in the anger, not to run from my anger and not to numb it out. I confronted it head on knowing that if I continued to resist it, it would only persist.

And then afterwards, I wrote a Prayer to the Principal of the school. From my heart and with the knowledge that the Yr 12 students, teachers, family, and community now have the ability (when they are ready) to see the World through a much different light if they so choose. Through this cruel and unexpected pain many people now have the ability to make a choice- to awaken and to step into a new way of seeing things- knowing they are blessed and supported by Universal power, knowing that they themselves are connected to Source. That is the legacy of death, that is the legacy of this young girl. God is using her for a mighty important role and while it will not make sense to many of us, almost begrudgingly it makes perfect sense to me. And while a part of me wants to buy into the stories of ‘It’s so unfair’, ‘what a waste’, ‘why did this happen’, ‘that could have been my son’, & ‘how could there be a God when things like this happen?’ – I know with all honesty it will only keep me trapped. And thats not what this girl sacrificed her life for.

I’m sharing the prayer I wrote. For anyone trying to make sense of something harsh and hard that is happening in your life please know that I am sending my love to you. Please know that God is within you giving you strength and courage so that you can find your way through. Please know there is always an opportunity to look at the hardest moments of our life through a new lens.

 

Lord,

Fill us with the strength and courage to help us understand and process the deep emotions that come with our friend ………. passing. Remind us that it is okay to question our faith during this time, to try and understand why you have called upon ……. so soon. Help us to make sense of the events of the past week as many of us are now looking at the world in a very different way. Remind us that everything we are feeling – the anger, the sadness, the disbelief and the resentment are completely normal, we are allowed to feel these emotions and find ways to work our way through them. Guide us gently through this pain that each of us is feeling. Allow us to question why …….. was taken so soon, and empower us to find ways to make peace with what has happened.

 

God remind us that while it is perfectly normal to feel everything that we are feeling, help us to also remember that we always have a choice. An opportunity to look at things through a different lens. And while it seems easy to stay stuck in the unfairness of …….. passing, please remind us that ……. transition back to the non physical world was not in vain, that perhaps we can begin to view her passing as something of a legacy. A gift from her to us. An opportunity to take note of our own lives, and the way that we live. Perhaps we have been given a gentle reminder to be kinder to each other, to show more compassion and understanding to ourselves, our parents, teachers, siblings and each other. Perhaps we can learn to move a little slower, to take the time for each other, to focus on what really matters, and to find more clarity in how it is we really want to live our life.

 

Show us how to unite, how to come together in our grief, and support ourselves and each other. Help us to remember that each of us will deal with this in our own unique way. Many of us have had little experience with death; some of us have had a lot. Either way we have been led to question our own mortality, our own story of why we are here. We now understand that life can change in a second.

 

Allow our minds not to dwell on the ‘what if’s’ or the ‘it could have been me’ scenarios and instead fill our minds with gratitude and the reminder that the only time we really have is now. Help us to stay present and appreciate the moment we are in. Help us to be more loving and patient with those around us, help us to understand that when others are hurting we do not need to fix, we need only to love. Let this be ………. legacy to us.

 

And lastly God remind us that you and your love are within each and every one of us and no matter how much we are hurting we are never alone. You are providing strength for us, for …….. family, for each of our teachers and for our community. Whenever we are hurting and feeling alone you have the power to fill us with your love, strength and courage to feel what we need to feel, to help pick ourselves up and to make the right choices that will move us to become the people that you intended us to be. We know you are keeping our ……. safe, we know she is surrounded by the deepest love available, she is free of pain and is experiencing only love, joy and beauty. Remind us that we too have the opportunity to live our lives this way.

Amen

 

Kylie West
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Can I Surrender More?

I’ve got some questions. For myself, I’ve been sitting on them, contemplating, and in many ways resisting. I know that without the alone-ness that I have been sitting in for a very long time I doubt these queries would ever have been raised. But I’m glad they have. I’m curiously questioning, probing deeper, understanding more and less at the same time because this is the time to do so. This is what I’m being guided to do.

There’s been much change, my life looks nothing like it did before I got sick three years ago. I’ve learnt so much, opened myself to so many new ways and possibilities and every time I think I’ve learnt as much as I can, suddenly I am reminded how much more there is to know. Many new possibilities open up and I begin to see a whole new world in a brand new light. So many gifts but also so many moments when it is easy for me to feel so alone, when I feel worn down from the evolving and the growth. Times when I am reminded that sometimes I would like a ‘normal’ life as opposed to remembering that my life actually looks very different to many of those around me. Times when I crave for a partner, my children, the safety of having a job and a home, with an army of friends to come and take the isolation away, to gather me in their warm grasp and cocoon me from the harshness of life that I can so easily feel.

But I know the truth, and I keep coming back to the faithful reminder that I am never alone, SOURCE ( GOD & The Universe) is within me, protecting me, guiding me, reassuring me that I am in fact in the greatest company of all. As I continually commit to making many new discoveries about myself , as I commit to finding out how I really want to live my life, as I commit to living a life of Service, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am constantly reminded the only thing that matters is living in the present, in the here, in the now.

Pain has allowed me this opportunity. Grief, loss, devastation, illness, heartache, isolation and nothing-ness. They have all been both my curse and my greatest blessing. And now as I begin to walk back into life I know it is different to how it has ever been before.  I’m opening into a new way of being, a version of myself that I have not known for the longest of times. So tender and fragile yet so strong and so certain. I’m learning as I go, resisting the urge to fall into old patterns, particularly the need to speed up and control. Now that I feel so well it is easy to convince myself that I need to make up for lost time- three years where I have learnt to do nothing but surrender, survive and re-open myself back to my natural state of love.

And so I come to these questions for mysef. Can I surrender more? Can I let go when I’ve already let go of so much? I’ve been stripped back, more than I ever thought possible. The things that I used to care so much about- gaining approval and love, fitting in, possessions, looking a certain way, and achieving are no longer of any interest to me. But I wonder with great compassion for myself and the acknowledgement of how far I have actually come, can I go further without feeling the pressure of having to do so? And the answer is here before I even finish asking myself the question.

 

YES, of course I can. I lost the thing I cared most about in my life – my family unit, and I survived. I spent three years battling the demons that told me the only way out was to kill myself, I restored my body back to health when countless medical specialists told me I would be living the rest of my life with the long list of diagnoses they gave me. I healed my body and mind from horrific abuse and trauma to once again restore my heart and believe that the world is a good place to be. I walked away from the safety and comfort of my own home to live in a camper trailer by the beach so that I could be closer to my son. And I abandoned my 20year career because I always knew that I was here for a higher calling. Every step of the way I have turned from fear to love. So the answer is A DEEP RESOUNDING YES.

 

And so the quest begins here;

To go slower when I already feel like a snail.

To be more present when I’m consciously aware of living in the present moment

To be kinder when I know I’m already compassionate

To give away more ‘stuff’ when I now own so little

To release the need to know and control when I’m already trusting my intuition and instinct

To love myself more when I love myself more than I ever have before

To listen more to others when I have so much I want to say

To feel more when it already feels like I feel too much

To release the need for an outcome when I’m already living life as I wish

To show more appreciation when I’m already truly grateful to be alive

To be more gentle with myself when I have so often resisted the urge to be harsh

 

Now I step forward knowing the choice is always mine, the only thing I need have is awareness. My natural state is one of love and joy and so I will do whatever I can to remain here. Yoga, meditation, prayer and real food are the foundations, and will always be the foundations I need. These are the tools I used to re-build myself, and will continue to do so. These are the non negotiable’s in my life so that I can continue to fulfil Gods’ purpose for me.

 

 

Kylie West
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EGO AND DEPRESSION

You may be somewhere deep in the depths of depression, anxiety, trauma, or illness. And more than likely you are thinking, feeling and believing that you are never going to find your way out. You’ve accessed help, your doing what the medical specialists tell you, maybe your taking medication, having therapy and trying to exercise, eating better, trying to reframe your thinking and noticing your thought patterns. But you’re still feeling the struggle, your still exhausted, your still feeling alone and your probably doubting if you are ever again going to be okay.

 

I understand. I’ve been there many times. Questioning, doubting, thinking and believing that finding wellness and feeling alive were things that were way out of my reach. There were so many times when I was doing everything I was ‘supposed’ to be doing and it felt as though I was making absolutely zero progress. I’d become so frustrated because I had made the commitment, I was doing the work, I was going above and beyond what the experts were telling me to do and I was still in pain, I was still severely depressed, I still couldn’t leave the house and it was still a struggle to wake up each morning and find the energy and motivation to get out of bed.

 

Here’s the thing that I needed to continually keep coming back to, and perhaps this will serve as a gentle reminder to you. This is not about ‘fixing yourself quickly’. I desperately wanted to wake up one morning and be ‘cured’, but had that of happened I would have missed the opportunity to truly heal myself and to find the gifts and blessings that were being handed to me. This is about finding your way back to your purest state- to return to your natural state of LOVE. And for that you need TIME. Time to re-learn how to be. To stop running from yourself, to stop numbing, to stop letting other peoples words and actions influence how you feel about yourself.

 

This process of returning to perfect health and returning to source energy- your highest self- is about digging deep within- finding yourself again. Returning to the person you have always been, accepting that who you are – just as you are- is more than enough. You are finding your way back to who you really are and more often than not that means becoming comfortable with sitting in the discomfort, accepting where you are, and knowing that nothing has to last forever.

 

To move back into our natural state of wellbeing, we are asked to do many things. The first is to shed the things that no longer are of service to us. Particularly, we are called to escape the lower energies of ego. Wayne Dyer writes in ‘THE SHIFT’,

‘Taming the influence of the ego is the beginning of the second birth. By taming the ego, we elicit the support and assistance of our origination Spirit, and we come to notice synchronicities happening in our life. The people we need appear, circumstances come together in a way that assists us on our dharma path, and financing becomes available that was never there before’.

 

For many of you reading this you may wonder what ego has to do with depression, anxiety and suicide. You could be thinking that mental illness has nothing what so ever to do with ego and Spirit, because it goes against everything that we think we know about mental illness. But in fact it has SO MUCH to do with it. When we are living aligned with the lower energies of EGO, we have actually moved away from our natural state of love, and aligned ourselves with fear. Ego is so entwined in every part of our daily life- the way we are raised, the education system, the way we interact on a social level, societies expectations all contribute to the level and depth of our own personal ego-  that most of us are simply unaware that there is another way ‘to be’.

 

Here are some of the ways in which ego dictates depression and anxiety;

 

  • Ego causes separation and convinces us that we are alone and unsupported and that nobody really understands who we are; or what we are going through- a huge contributing factor of depression. As we begin to return to spirit (love) we become aware that in actual fact we are connected to GOD, to Source and we are never truly alone.

 

  • Ego causes us to compare our lives, our looks, our possessions to those around us, to feel as though in some way we have failed or missed out and that others are living a better life than we are. When we return to love we come to know that the life we have been given is exactly what we needed to enable us to return to Spirit. Where we are in life right now is exactly where we are supposed to be (and we now have the choice to choose something different).

 

  • Ego tells us that we have to do well in life, that we can’t fail in any way (or have an illness or diagnosis), and that we are wrong if we are different to the people around us. Ego constantly causes us to think that we need to make others proud of us and show everyone that we are worthy and capable. It means that often we focus heavily on money, achievement, success, looking the right way, and fitting in (having a partner/children/acceptable job etc). And; if we don’t have these things that we become less than- irrelevant and invisible (or we need to over compensate in other areas). But in fact Spirit/God/Source loves and accepts us just as we are, no matter what we do or don’t have.

 

  • Ego tells us that we have to be strong, to keep going no matter what. To stay in control for the sake of our children, our partners, our family and ourselves. That any weakness or feeling like we just can’t cope is a major fault within ourselves. Ego also tells us that nobody will ever be able to help us. Spirit tells us that we are human and we need to feel and acknowledge our emotions. There is much beauty to be found within the messiness, if only we choose to approach the pain differently. Source will lead us to the right people in our healing journey that will help us heal the UNDERLYING reasons behind our health struggles.

 

  • Ego tells us that we have to think our way through life, control and figure everything out in our minds. That it is normal to be stuck in fear and worry, to think excessively, plan and control our way through life rather than listen to our own internal guidance system and trusting that we are all supported if only we tune into the higher energies. Source reminds us to ‘feel’ our way through life and to become aligned. To let go of the need to know and to trust, as opposed to ‘thinking’ and ‘planning’ our way through.

 

  • Ego tells us that we shouldn’t trust our own intuition. That we should believe what others say about us (parents, teachers, relatives, medical specialists, colleagues) -that there IS something wrong with us. It plays on our own self doubt and intrinsic inner belief that we are not quite right, rather than accepting that God has made us perfectly just as we are (yes- flawed and imperfect). That, we are all unique and different; and that each of us views life through our own unique lens (which is neither right or wrong -just right for ourselves).

 

  • Ego tells us that it is wrong and selfish to look after ourselves first, that we must put others first, that we don’t need firm boundaries and our needs come last. Source reminds us that when we make peace with ourselves, take care and nurture ourselves, and re-align with our higher selves then we can do what we are all here to do- Serve others.

 

  • Ego tells us that the dream we have for ourselves within, will never be achievable. It convinces us that we are not smart, pretty, confident, skinny, rich enough to achieve what it is that we really want. Ego allows FEAR to win every time. Source reminds us that when we align to the truth of our higher self, and when we focus on feeling good and having fun (while letting go of the attachment to the outcome) then the life we have imagined is always available to us.

 

  • Ego tells us that how others treat us and what they think of us really matters. Ego might tell you that if the girl that you have a crush on doesn’t like you,  or if your partner leaves you, or if your boss makes you feel invisible, or your sibling always has to have a go at you that in some way you are deficient. Ego makes us feel bad about ourselves for being who we really are, to convinces us that if we were better/richer/smarter than others would treat us with the love and respect we deserve. It allows others actions to dictate how we feel about ourselves. Ego wants us to mould ourself, fit in, stay small and stay quiet. Source reminds us that we come back and realign with our higher self there is no need to worry or be concerned by what others think of us and that we don’t need to be affected by how others treat us and make us feel.  That really we are free to live our lives (and speak) as we choose as long as we do it from LOVE (this does not mean recklessly walking away from people who matter (partners, kids, parents) and pretending you don’t care what anyone else thinks -that is actually shutting yourself OFF from love).

For me, when I reflect back to the times I was highly suicidal EGO was always present. I was so ashamed that I had fallen so far, I cared so much about what others thought of me, and I believed that I would be living with these diagnoses for the rest of my life (and hence thought of myself as a second class citizen, but also couldn’t bare the thought of living the rest of my life trying to manage and live with the severe symptoms I was experiencing). The fact that I was completely alone, single, had limited friends, was unable to work/socialise/exercise (due to my illnesses), and that my life looked so different to everyone around me only contributed to the feelings of shame and resentment I had about myself.  I thought I had no reason to be alive, and I convinced myself that my life would never be any different to what it currently was. I was exhausted from trying to hold it together and I was fed up with thinking that one day my life was going to suddenly fall into place (I’d been holding on to hope for a very long time). In the midst of heavy depression these things all seemed like very valid reasons to take my own life.

It took time to understand and comprehend and to look at things from a different perspective (time is something that when your suicidal you don’t feel like you have). These beliefs were strong and unrelenting and deeply embedded within me, but I was able to I held on to my belief that what I was going through was for a higher purpose- which enabled me to work through the process of changing my beliefs from and EGO perspective to a LOVE based perspective. I wonder if this is where you too can begin to ponder a different way for you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kylie West
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