I am waiting. For God to show me what to do next. I’m expecting a major miracle but I already know I have received many along the way that have enabled me to be here, where I am right now. And where am I? Exactly where I am supposed to be. GOD has me positioned perfectly, and yet from the outside it looks anything but perfect. Working for God is messy, it never goes the way you imagine it in your head and it requires a level of faith and patience that many of us- for so many reasons- are unable to fully commit to. So this is my reality. This is the grit, the dirt, the s*it before the glory if you like. I’m staying with my sister, sleeping in my nephews bed. I haven’t had a place to call home for all of this year (10 months). I lived in a tent for 3 months, and since then I’ve been house hopping. I have a small suitcase of belongings- everything else is gone. I’ve been here with my sister and her 3 loveable and noisy boys in a 3 bedroom house for 4 months. At times it is intense and highly uncomfortable but mostly it is good. I haven’t contributed a cent to my sister towards rent or bills and I know she needs it. She’s a single mum and I know she is only just scraping by. She does an amazing job and along with my dad is the best budgeter I know. There are many days that the fridge and cupboard are empty. If it wasn’t for her I have no doubt I would be on the streets. I have no place to call home, no car, no job, no partner, no kids at home, no belongings, barely any friends, no routine and I don’t know what I’m doing one day to the next.
I have half a bag of rice in the cupboard and a quarter of a jar of sauerkraut in the fridge. After that I’m all out. For much of the past 3 months Ive been hungry, like really hungry. I fasted for 2 weeks straight not long ago- for spiritual and healing reasons but mostly because I had no food. I’ve sat outside Woolworths numerous times watching the people go in and out knowing that I too once walked in to the supermarket without a second thought. I never imagined that there would come a day when I wouldn’t be able to feed myself. I could get a job, yes its true. Im now well enough to work and it seems like the logical thing to do. Its not that I don’t want to work because I do- so desperately. I haven’t collected Centrelink for 6 months, I cancelled my payments because it didn’t feel right to collect money from the government when I wasn’t able to fulfil my obligations of looking for work. I can’t look for work because God has put a dream in me, a calling so strong that I have sacrificed everything. To go to work after everything, to turn away from God, to let my fear be bigger than my faith..well no, Im just not willing to do that. Too much has happened. I’ve come too far. I’d rather be hungry, I’d rather be inconvenienced.
Tomorrow the $12,000 extra I took out against the home loan is due. I have no way to pay it. One of my accounts has minus $15 in it, the other is $0.00. It doesn’t bother me not having money, Ive had a nasty relationship with it for so long. its actually really easy not to have it, not to have my worth associated with it, there is no complication. I don’t like not being able to pay my bills, of course that bothers me. and the only reason I am $12 000 over in my home repayments is because I asked for financial assistance from the bank to try and give my parents some financial reprieve. The house is in my name but I haven’t lived there for 3 years. My parents live there and I have given them the house and approx $100 000 equity that is in it. Despite not having money I never considered selling the house, mum and dad need somewhere safe to live. I would never take that from them, just to have money in the bank. God is bringing me more than I will ever need, but first He needed me to know what its like to go without, to feel the desperation that comes when you cant feed or house yourself because life has been rough on you, often through no fault of your own. Apart from paying back the $12 000 which I know God will enable me to do, I don’t want anything to do with the house. I spent 5 years visualising and dreaming of living in that house and when it finally came my whole life fell apart. Its so freeing not having anything, nor being attached to ‘things’. I like it a lot, its simple and simple right now means freedom to concentrate on what God is calling me to do. Once upon a time my worth was determined by what I owned and how much money I earned. My parents paid $50 000 for me to go and get the help I needed, help that kept me from killing myself. So giving them the house is the least I can do. I know soon I will be able to give them so much more. I also have debt collectors calling me and overdue bills that are related to the house that I have no way to pay for. I’ve borrowed money from all of my family, esp my brother. He’s given me so much, mostly without me having to ask. I cant ask for anymore nor do I feel the need to do so. I understand letting go of my attachment to money, especially relating to scarcity and believing that I had to work hard to get it was all part of the process. Now I know I have financial abundance available to me at all times.
I’ve pretty much pissed off everyone around me because I wont give up on the call that God has placed in my being- the call that says He is using me for a much bigger purpose. They don’t see it and I cant explain it. My kids are frustrated with me but won’t tell me to my face, and my son is currently not talking to me after an event that happened a few weeks ago. I couldn’t buy my daughter a 21stbirthday present, nor did I know how I was even go to get to her party which was 1800 kms away. It sounds like I am being irresponsible but all Im doing is following Gods direction. I know it doesn’t seem like it but He is strengthening me and making me trust Him more. He is asking me to let go of my attachment of trying to please those around me, He is asking me to put Him first so that in time my relationships can be more connected and healed. I’m not usually like this, in the past my children have always come first, often I have sacrificed myself for them, but God says no more. I’ve always shown up for them and right now it feels like I’m doing anything but. I’m watching my dad fade away with illness and I saw the look my mum gave me the other day when I told her I wouldn’t give up on my quest from God. A mixture of betrayal, disappointment and hopelessness. It cut deep and I wonder if this will be the thing that pushes her over the edge. Will this force her back into the mental health ward, will this mixed with everything else be the thing that causes her to finally succeed in taking her own life? They are both under huge stress and I know I am contributing to that. I know they are concerned, but I have to keep going. its not that I don’t care, I keep going because I care so much, because I know if I do God will bless my entire family in a way that will be life changing. Its worth it, and there is no risk, there is no chance it ‘may not happen’, for I know my God is faithful beyond measure. I know what He has promised me and know He will deliver. I am the first born and I feel the weight of expectation heavily. I know that if I lived by expectation that I would be living at home with them, working to pay the mortgage and helping mum to care for dad. But I don’t live by expectation anymore, I live by God. I have nobody else left in the world except for my family. Brene’ Brown says she writes down the people that matter the most to her and whose opinions she cares about on a small piece of paper and carries it with her in her wallet. I like this idea, and I’ve lived with the same mentality for the last few years. But now I have to put Gods call before them, before their opinions. I have to keep my focus on Him if I wish to be who He knows I can be. It seems harsh I agree, but it would be harsher to succumb and not be able to give to the world the blessings, the healing and the love that He has called me to give. I am okay with them being angry at me, I would not be okay with stopping now, and to be honest it has never occurred to me to do so.
God has had me waiting for the longest of times. 4 years since I fell apart, 13 years since I left my marriage because I knew there was something ‘more’ to life. an entire life time of feeling like I don’t fit in or belong, and many lifetimes of trying to fulfil my calling. God has also been waiting a long time. I trust His timing but id be lying if there weren’t times I was overly frustrated. He knows what I am about to do, I see a small tunnel of possibility, He sees the whole empire, the legacy, the change, the lives saved, the difference. I see it from my small narrow perspective, sometimes I focus too heavily on what I’m going to get rather than what He has already given me. I am learning though and I trust this season of waiting. I am grateful but at times the frustration of not being able to get in my car to go and see my son, or buy groceries, or do something normal like meet up with friends for dinner is too much for me. The bible says you only need to have faith as small as a mustard seed, but mine is so much bigger and yet I wonder why? Its not like I have anything conclusive to go by. Yes I am healed, after 4 years of suffering it is indeed a miracle that I now feel so well, that I now feel whole, joy, love. It would be easy to argue that God hadn’t healed me, that it was purely the hard work and commitment that I put in to my healing journey. But I know it is God. So how can my faith be so large, how do I know that a miracle is about to come my way. I never question but I wonder why? I feel it, that is true, but more than anything I know it. Because I know my God. He has had me in a season of isolation, grief, suffering, great pain. I have been stripped in a way I never thought possible. illness, diagnoses, mental health, suicide, isolation, unable to talk and function, trauma in my body, the loss of everything I cared about, my career, my friends, my community, my possessions, my body, my mind, but mostly my children. My beloved children. Me broken in a way I never thought it would be possible to survive. But my faith comes becomes He has taught me through this hardship, through this breakdown. Because of it I know Him. I am reborn. The trauma, the abuse, the family dysfunction, the financial hardship, the long family history of alcoholism, depression, addiction, crime, gambling, food disorders, covering the pain, it is in my blood line on both sides. But yet it has taken this to stop it. I am the game changer. That was always going to be my job. God knew I was the one.
This is not about me, it never has been. This is for something far greater. The discomfort I have felt is well worth the healing tht will come for so many. I am comfortable with having had to sacrifice so much to spread the word of the Lord, to help return this world to love. To open peoples eyes, minds, and hearts and show others what is really possible. My words will have little effect and I have no desire to tell people what to do nor write ‘how to’ books and blogs. My actions will have a far greater impact than any words that fall from my mouth.
God is real and I love Him in a way that I’m not sure I can ever explain. He is my savior, as he is yours, and I lay down my life for Him so that He can use me in the way He wishes. So the sacrifices of my current circumstances , the going without, the disappointing of others who I love deeply, the loss, the reality that my life has not felt normal for four long years, it will well be worth it. It already is. I am happier than I have ever been, without any of the things I could once never have imagined living without. I feel peace, joy, love, constantly. I am whole and I am fulfilled right now. I know what is important and I know that without it all I would never know God as I now do- it has been the greatest priveledge of my life to serve Him, to lie down for Him, to surrender it all to Him. I was empty but He has filled me so that I am now bursting, filled to the brim with love, joy, peace and compassion. I now see myself as He has always seen me, regardless of what I have done or will go forward to do. This is it. There are no sacrifices. I am in the kingdom and I am a child of the most high God.