I thought I had an idea of what my life was going to look like. I had it pretty much planned out in my head by the time I was 18. Perhaps you did too? But what I hadn’t realized was that the Universe had a much bigger plan for me than getting married, having kids and living happily ever after. At 18, I hadn’t taken into account the deal that I had made with GOD (GOD within me-not seperate from me) long before I was even born. This deal had given me a life purpose- one that I came to resent for a long time. It was always going to be up to me if I chose to accept this mission, and to be honest it was much easier to convince myself all of the reasons why I couldn’t. It took me a long time to fully believe and trust that I was being guided by something much bigger than I could ever have imagined.
You, just like me, have also made this plan with GOD. Maybe you realise and maybe you don’t. Maybe you want to believe but you can’t quite wrap your rational thinking mind 9and your EGO) around the logistics of it all. What you choose to believe is and always will be up to you. I’m not here to convince you of anything different than what YOU are willing to believe. But maybe, deep down your wondering why you can’t ever seem to get rid of that niggling feeling of emptiness that sits deep within your existence, this strange feeling that there is ‘something more to your life’. Perhaps its coming to you as a longing for more, perhaps your questioning why your happiness continues to elude you no matter what you achieve in life, or maybe your exhausted from wondering why the same crappy things keep happening to you on repeat.
Perhaps the food, sex, alcohol, work, drugs, new relationship or constant shopping are helping a little, but you are still unable to escape the 2:15am wake up call in the still of the night. Images and thoughts of how your life could and should look haunting you at the only time you are quiet enough to hear. It is here that you can imagine all of the great things that you could accomplish, the greatness that you could be, the life of your dreams. It is here where you are reminded of all the things you are not. You push your self-doubt aside and imagine money, prestige, achievement, perfection in all areas of your life- it is here in the figments of your imagination that you can finally see the possibility of happiness. It all seems so easy and you believe it can be true, you feel an enthusiasm that has been missing for a while and you can’t wait to get started. But when the morning rolls in you quickly remember all of the obstacles in the way, you find yourself back in ‘reality’, and you shake your head at the absurdity of it all. You go back to living your life the only way you know how.
I write this, not to be harsh but to be honest. Because every word I have just written was once what I believed. And now as I reflect back on my 43 years as a Spirit in this current Earth Suit, I have tears of joy knowing the relief that comes with no longer having to feel or think this way. Finally I understand the freedom that I have found within me, finally I know the decision I made to turn to love was the right decision for me. I know that everything in my life has happened ‘for me’, and not ‘to me’. None of it was a mistake, the perceived ‘failings’ of my life were really my blessings. And while I always had a deep inner knowing that I was being pulled towards a greater purpose, I could never fully understand why time after time I was being subjected to so many hardships. Why, when I was always trying to trust, follow my intuition and to live a better life the adversity continued to follow me wherever I went.
Not just small things, and not just one offs- but a constant stream of really big life changing situations-abuse of all kinds, trauma, assault, betrayal, marriage breakdown, custody disputes, depression, financial strain, job instability and unemployment, friendship losses, family dysfunction, deaths, betrayals from men and on top of this a long list of deeply shameful experiences that happened because of poor choices I made.
It was never ending, it felt like it was me against the world. But I was determined to ‘stay strong’ and to keep going no matter what. I believed that I could handle anything that was thrown at me- I wore my battle scars like a badge of honour ‘look at me, look at all that I have endured, I can keep going no matter what is thrown at me’.
Until I couldn’t.
Finally I fell apart and was given a long list of diagnoses that reflected the mess that my body, mind and Soul were in- chronic illnesses (chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, IBS, autoimmune diseases, thyroid and hormone imbalances, severe food allergies, chronic constipation, leaky gut, gut dysbiosis, adrenal fatigue etc ) AND mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, PTSD, adjustment disorder, along with symptoms of mania, voices in my head, & extreme mood swings). I fell apart at the very time it felt as though I was finally getting my life together. My life as I knew it changed forever -my family unit, my career, my health, my body, my mind, my friendships and my social status all gone within a 3 month period. I wasn’t drinking, I wasn’t taking drugs…I just fell apart.
I fell apart because I needed to. It was cruel, but it was no mistake- the Universe was giving me what I needed to get me to where I needed to be. I was being stripped of the roles and identities I had become, roles that I was hiding my true self behind. Identities I no longer needed. I was being given the opportunity to start afresh- to live the life I really wanted to live, to become the person I was always capable of becoming. (Yes, it was hard to see it from this perspective). It would have been easy to stay stuck in the bitterness and it would have been easy to accept that my life was over- to accept a life time of medication, to accept that there was no way that I would ever be ok again, and certainly no way that I would ever fulfill my potential or connect to my Higher Self.
But during the three years it has taken me to heal, what kept me going was this deep inner knowing that I have always had- that my life had meaning and purpose for ‘something more, something better’. I couldn’t give up on myself and I couldn’t betray myself- I was fighting for my life at a time when all I wanted to do was die- but I was also fighting for the person that I knew I could become, the person GOD knew that I could be. It didn’t stop the pain, it didn’t stop the constant thoughts of suicide, it didn’t stop the initial victim mentality that I fell into, it didn’t stop me from feeling like the loneliest person in the world. It didn’t make anything easier- all it did was give me something to hold on to and that was enough to keep me going.
I know so many of you have had similar experiences in life- many of which are much worse than I have endured. My intention here is to SHOW YOU that HEALING is possible no matter what happens in life- NOT just to be ok and manage your way through BUT to live the life you came here to live and to become the person you were destined to be. Each of us has a choice – you can choose to be defined by your past and believe what others tell you OR you can trust yourself and listen deep within. I chose to trust my intuition-my gut feeling- something which I have never once regretted and the reason I have now returned to perfect health. I chose to walk away from the ‘labels’ I had been given and instead find and heal the underlying causes behind my
breakdown breakthrough. I found my way through the grief and pain to return to the truth of who I am.
You can never control what happens to you but you ALWAYS have a choice to live with love or to choose fear. There is no right or wrong way to live- just the way that feels real and right to you. The suffering that I endured has become my greatest gift and my survival my greatest achievement. I am alive in a way I never was before. There is a peace within me now, a stillness that is flooded with love. I know that I am love and the life I choose to live is a reflection of that. I have returned to my natural state and I live with joy, happiness, intention, abundance, fulfilment, truth, connection, inspiration and alignment. I choose this every single time and my hope is that you choose the same- no matter where you are in your life.
Top Left: I was bedridden with severe chronic illness and mental illness for over 2 years
Top Right: A few weeks after leaving the mental health ward
Bottom Left: Before my
Bottom Right: Taken a few months ago