Have you thought about how you really want to be living your life? The answer is the very first thing that pops into your head..It probably comes to you easily because you’ve spent a lot of time thinking, daydreaming, imagining this life. Its what gets you through the mediocre life that many of you feel you are living now; the same life that I lived for a really long time.
It can be anything, it doesn’t have to be fancy- moving to the beach, walking away from your current career and doing something completely random, starting a business, leaving a relationship that no longer fulfils you..its going to be different for everyone. There is no right or wrong answer, just the answer that feels right for you. But its the thing that keeps popping up, its calling you and stirring something within you. Tormenting you almost…until you remind yourself there is no way it can be done so theres little point in thinking about it. Instead you shove it down inside and convince yourself that the life you have now is just fine. It becomes easier to hide and stay small.
Ugghhhhh. I remember this feeling. I’ve had it for much of my life, this emptiness and longing that no matter what I did in life left me feeling as though I had a giant hole of nothingness sitting deep within me. I convinced myself that when the kids had finished school, when I met a partner, when I won the lotto, when life started to be a bit kinder to me I would chase the dream. I kept the fear and self doubt safely locked away- instead always finding a reason as to why I couldn’t live my life the way I wanted.
My dream was always to serve – to heal others in some way (but I used to say ‘I just want to help people’). It always had something to do with writing and speaking and sharing my story and making others feel less alone. Living by the beach, spending my days writing, swimming, riding my bike, cooking and being part of a community always felt like the right thing for me to be doing. It was what resonated deeply within me (I wasn’t desperately searching for my ‘purpose’- instead I felt it inside of me) but my reality was the complete opposite. Single mum living far from the ocean & unable to move because of shared parenting, mortgages, loans, school fees, responsibilities, and the huge amount of baggage I was carrying around kept me believing that what my soul wanted was simply impossible. I kept putting it in the ‘one day’ basket but secretly thinking it would never transpire.
I convinced myself that I was okay, that this was the reality, that people rarely got what they wanted in life, that I was unlucky and so far from my dream that it was pointless even thinking about it. It was easier to convince myself to do what was expected of me, to keep going and make it look as though I was fitting in, to not upset anyone else. It was easier to numb it all out, to drink, have sex with men who weren’t overly interested in me, to keep climbing the career ladder, to keep making money so I could keep buying stuff I didn’t need, to keep my body looking like it was supposed to, to fill my face with botox and dress a certain way. I did whatever I could to convince myself the life I had was fine. But it wasn’t fine. It was a mess, a disaster waiting to unravel. I felt like I was doing so many things but not doing any of them well. I was always busy, always tired, always pushing, always thinking I was a fraud just waiting to be exposed, always feeling that at any second my whole life could fall completely apart.
And it did. Spectacularly – every single part of it. So that I could finally do what I came here to do. But here’s what I discovered along the way. Its not about what I do.. ITS ABOUT HOW I FEEL. And when I feel great in every way I know with great certainty that everything my soul desires will come to me. I’ve made peace with myself and my past, I’ve learnt how to feel the pain, confront it and then release it, I’ve come back to Spirit and chosen LOVE, I know that who I am is more than enough, I’ve stopped betraying myself and settling for less than I deserve, I now that nobody has the power to take away my happiness…and because of this I know whatever I long for it is a given (because it is in alignment with my Highest Good – & I’m not doing it for ego reasons- making money/proving myself/trying to be the best/shutting my heart down/hurting others etc).
The hard things that come to you- death, break ups, illness, job losses- are for no other purpose then to re-awaken you so that you can begin to live the life that is true to you. The suffering is the catalyst for letting go of all the things that you no longer need, eradicating the limiting beliefs and thoughts you have about yourself, the pain and fear that is holding you back, the belief of how life is ‘supposed’ to look SO THAT YOU CAN START LIVING AS GOD INTENDED. With joy, fun, inspiration and love. Every single day.
I know I’m simplifying it and perhaps making it sound as though its the easiest thing in the world. I know its not. I know it means sacrifice, and loss and letting go. I know it has meant grief, loneliness and living a life that looks completely different to everyone around me. But now that I am on the other side… the relief of knowing I never have to pretend another day in my life to be somebody that I am not, and to finally live a life that feels real and true to who I am is the most powerful act of love I could have ever given myself.
You are only free when you realise you belong no place- you belong every place- no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.