‘If you knew who walked beside you on the way that you have chosen, fear would be impossible’ A Course in Miracles
My guess is that maybe YOU want to believe that you are being guided and supported by the Universe, perhaps you really want to believe in Divine Guidance and Law of Attraction. Most of us want to believe that we are supported and guided by a presence much bigger than any of us could ever comprehend. Maybe a big part of you wants to believe in miracles, divine intervention and synchronicity. Perhaps you even believe that you are here to fulfil a certain mission in life, but can’t quite figure out how you are supposed to juggle your responsibilities and ‘realities’ that come with real life.
I don’t doubt that we all want to believe that life can be easier than what it is- that we are not just here to pay bills, slog away at life, and spend our life waiting for the weekend to roll around- but to reconnect with our true essence and live our lives accordingly, to reconnect with our Spirit and the truth of who we really are. But I also suspect there’s a part of you that doesn’t fully trust, a part of you that can’t quite let go and believe 100% that we are all fully supported, and that we are all given exactly what we need to lead us back to our higher selves. The fear of not fully believing robs us of the joy that deep within we know as being our truth.
The reason we struggle to believe and therefore trust is fairly straight forward. For most people our EGO is leading the way. Your ego convinces you that worry, pain and fear are in control of your life. Your ego convinces you that it is your mind that has to lead the way (rather than your heart and soul), and that who you are is dependent on how you do or don’t look, what you do (or don’t do) and what you own (or don’t own). It makes you believe that who are you are is never quite enough- that you need external factors to boost you (money/recognition/possessions/achievement), and that you need to hide who you really are behind your roles and identities. EGO convinces you that you have to control every aspect of your life, that what others think of you really matters, that you need to do whatever it takes to ‘fit in’ and it leads you down a path where you end up living your life for others instead of living a life for yourself.
I suspect for many of you the fear of not believing- of not quite trusting- heavily outweighs the belief that there is a force much bigger than either YOU or I who is in control of our lives. It is much easier to choose the power of FEAR over the power of LOVE. Maybe like I once did, you don’t even realise you are even doing this. Perhaps you have forgotten that there is another way.
For a long time I wanted to believe in the power of the Universe, I trusted that everything happened for a reason, that there were no mistakes. I read my horoscopes, I made new moon wishes, followed my intution and I ALWAYS tried to believe that every heartache I went through was leading me to something better. But no matter what I did, no matter how hard I worked at creating a life that felt real and true to me- things just kept going wrong. People kept telling me that I didn’t deserve everything that had happened and that things were going to ‘get better’. But things didn’t get better, and it became easy for me to believe that I was on my own- that there was no greater force or power. Eventually it felt like it was me against the world.
I came to believe that I was cursed, subconsciously I believed that I didn’t deserve any better, and while a part of me always knew that the suffering I had endured was part of a bigger plan- I could never seem to escape the mountain of obstacles that came my way. I knew that I was strong, I knew that I could keep going no matter what, I knew I had responsibilities that I couldn’t just walk away from BUT I WAS EXHAUSTED. I felt alone, I felt like nobody really knew the real me, I felt like I had to hold it all together and more than anything I felt like I was failing at everything I was doing. It felt like there was no way out. I knew there was more to life but I had no idea how to get off the never ending rollercoaster- until I was given the gift that would change everything.
My breakdown came at a time that from the outside everything looked quite good- I had worked my way up the career ladder, gone back to University to study both Undergraduate and Postgraduate Degrees, I had a high paying job working for the Government, I had just purchased a beautiful new home, I had an investment property, a new car, my kids were both in high school, I was happily single, fit and was reasonably happy with the way that I looked, and I had a supportive group of friends around me. But internally, I couldn’t shake the belief that I was failing at everything. I longed for change but I couldn’t just walk away- I had responsibilities- kids, mortgages, school fees, bills to pay. I had just spent the previous 10 years rebuilding my life (after my marriage had ended) and I’d finally achieved everything I thought mattered. I believed there was no way out but I was also angry at myself for finally achieving everything that I wanted and still not escape the emptiness that remained inside.
When I fell apart it was my EGO that suffered the most- my ego wanted me to live in a state of self importance. It convinced me that I had failed because my whole life had fallen apart. It told me I was a no-one and made me buy into my sad story- ‘this isn’t fair’, ‘how much can one person take’, ‘I’m a good person, I’ve never done anything wrong’, ‘what will everyone think’. My ego told me that I deserved everything I had gotten, that I would never amount to anything, that I would suffer forever. But deep deep deep inside of me I was secretly relieved. I knew that I would never go back to the life I once had because so many parts of that life hadn’t been real and true. My breakdown became my greatest blessing because it stripped me of my EGO and led me back to my true self. It led me back to being aligned with my Spirit. Spirit reminded me that I have an ultimate calling and that I am guided and protected always so that I can achieve this calling.
Now I know that I am supported in every way, I know there are no mistakes and no coincidences. For the first time in my life I am living in complete alignment, living with love, joy, trust, contentment, happiness and appreciation. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. My life is simple, stripped back to the absolute basics, I have nothing to hide behind and nothing to prove. The fear, long list of illnesses, anxiety, depression, PTSD and Bipolar symptoms are all gone. I’m living my life exactly as my Soul is asking me to- it is the most peaceful place to be. But don’t be fooled, I have worked extraordinarily hard to get here, and to live any other way would be a betrayal to myself. I’ve gone against the norm, thought outside of the box, turned my back on conventional treatment- its been isolating and lonely and there have been many many moments when I didn’t think I was going to make it. But it has been worth- all of it- to come back to the truth that I do matter. This life- trusting and staying true to myself and reconnecting with LOVE and GOD- is what matters most to me.
Its okay if you can’t fully believe and trust that we all have access to this divine guidance and support. Its a process that takes time and understanding. Its an unravelling that only you can come to realise- if you choose. There will always be a reason not to believe, just like there will always be a reason to believe. I choose to believe, for me it is the only way.