I’ve spent 3 years devoted to healing. I unravelled in a way that was ugly and cruel, and I’ve been in a world that I know few ever fully make their way out of. For a long time I was made to believe that I would never be okay, the long list of mental illnesses and chronic illnesses would keep me stuck in a life that I really didn’t want. I was led to believe that I would ‘exist’ and ‘manage’ instead of ‘thriving’ and becoming all that I could be.
Prior to becoming sick and falling apart I spent a long time searching for happiness. I believed that when I achieved every thing I wanted and desired I would finally rid myself of the deep ache and longing within. I convinced myself that when I met a man, when I had the high paying job, when I lost the weight, when I moved into the home of my dreams everything would magically fall into place. My happiness was dependent on external factors, it was dependent on my EGO telling me that I needed these things before I could finally relax into life. But the problem was when I achieved these things- the contentment and fulfilment I was searching for continued to evade me. Eventually I fell into the spiral of needing more, of moving onto the next thing. I tried to convince myself the lack of whatever it was that I wanted was the reason behind my emptiness.
Suffering brings with it much pain, but- if you allow it- it also brings many gifts. For me the greatest blessing I received was my return to consciousness. I was able to return to a state of pure love – as GOD intended us all to be. And the best way I can describe what this means in a way that so that people can fully understand is to say this;
‘I returned to the knowing that who I am- just as I am is enough. That I don’t need to be anything more than my true self. I don’t need to look a certain way, be a certain way, achieve certain things. I don’t need to change the true essence of myself in any way. Who I am as I am right now is more than enough’.
I came to accept this at the time I hated myself the most. But you see- this was the blessing. The gift of having nothing left to hide behind, of no longer having to wear a mask, no longer trying to fit in and show others how much I mattered. At the time when I had nothing left to hide behind, when my roles and identities had been stripped away, when I looked the worst I had ever looked, when I was incapable of looking after myself, when I couldn’t go to work, when I was completely alone, when I had so much pain and anguish within me- this was the time that I realised that who I was- in the absolute ugliness of life- was enough. And that I was worthy of living the life my soul desired.
This has been the foundation on which I have rebuilt my life. The knowing that I don’t need to be anything more than who I am right now, is the platform on which I will now go forward and fulfil every desire and dream that GOD has implanted within me. I don’t need to do these things for ANY other reason than knowing that what I am doing is for my higher good- this is what I have been called upon to do. I’m not doing it for money, for notoriety, to prove that I can, to try and fit in or make others proud of me, or because I want to save the world. And I’m certainly not doing it (fulfilling my potential) because I think this is where my happiness lies. I’ve found my happiness, my joy and my love. I found it within myself and within the despair and anguish of confronting my demons, of spending the last three years doing everything in my power to FEEL GOOD. The way I feel now is something I have been searching my whole life for – I have it at the time when I don’t have a job, money, many friends or possessions, when I don’t look a certain way, and when I live in a rental property with my sister and her children. I am exactly where I should be and I know that I am supported in every way.
Behind all of the unfulfilled dreams, and the belief that you may never have the life you dream of, behind the addictions, the fighting, the fear, the things you use to numb (alcohol/drugs/food/shopping/affairs/work), behind the crime, the assault, the power, perfection, planning, control and the money making is the CORE BELIEF that most of us are trying to run from. The belief that WHO WE ARE IS NEVER QUITE ENOUGH. Our true healing and our return to love is dependent on changing this inner belief. This is what has the power to transform your life.