Grief, despair, pain and suffering have changed me. I’m no longer the person I once was and for a long time I resented that. For the first two years of my three year healing process it felt as though I was dead. I only knew I wasn’t because my constant companion – suffering- barely left me. Mostly I wished I was no longer living and I spent a lot of time creating scenarios in my head of how I was going to die. There were thousands and thousands of times that suicide seemed like the only logical escape route. Only once did I come close to choosing this option, when I was in the midst of loosing my mind, when the idea of going on was unbearable, when I felt like dying would actually be a welcome gift to my family. An act of grace saved me. I wanted to do anything to escape the bleakness, despair and anguish that had infiltrated my body, mind and soul but the Universe had other plans in store for me.
It’s easy to sit here and write these words, because they are now my truth..
‘I woudnt change it
It was worth it
I’m finally me
I know it needed to happen
I didn’t know how much courage and strength I had
But they were of little consolation at the time when I was hurting the most. Eckhart Tolle writes in the world wide best selling book ‘A New Earth’:
‘Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of the ego’.
To come closer to GOD; to myself, to re-align with source energy has indeed been the greatest blessing. And there is not a day that goes by that I don’t say ‘thankyou’ for being where I am now. I know that my ending could have been very different. For me to get here, where I am right now, to spend so long fighting for my life was the hardest thing I have EVER done and will EVER do in my life.
But to be completely honest the last thing I wanted when I was in the bleak hole of darkness was for people to tell me that my suffering had purpose. ‘You try it then’ or ‘its easy for you to say that you’re not in it’ would be the first thing that would spring to mind. I already felt alone and people telling me what to do, what to feel and what to think were only reconfirming my isolation. I was alone, aching with loneliness (even though at times there were people around me) and feeling extremely misunderstood. My mind was going crazy trying to figure out how to get out of the mess, my body had betrayed me and heart had shattered into a million pieces. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t see how I was ever going to find a way out intact.
My initial inability to understand that this suffering that I was experiencing had the opportunity to lead me to where I really needed to be was not something I considered until I really stopped and listened. I was stuck- rightly so- in a state of shock, and fight/flight/freeze mode. I didn’t know what else to do other than sit in the ‘why me, I didn’t do anything wrong, nothing ever goes right, IT’S NOT FAIR!!’ until I realised that if I stayed here my only option would be death.
I have had A LOT of help over the past three years but finding the right help always came back to me listening to my own intuition. I knew early on that the mental health system was not going to be the answer for me. That it was going to be a bandaid, and not a long term option to really HEAL in the way I needed to heal. True healing meant turning inwards, into the place I most wanted to escape.
Suffering has the opportunity to lead us back to where we need to be OR it causes us to shut off from the goodness of life, to close our hearts and stay stuck in a state that is nether natural or what we are intended for. I understand fully why people stay stuck- finding the right help is a BATTLE- listening to ourselves is not something that has been encouraged. Nothing saddens me more than knowing how many people are being let down by many of the current treatment options in healthcare especially in the field of mental health. We can do so much better and I BELIEVE there is a wave of change that is beginning to grow in momentum.
Every one of us has suffered in some way – you don’t need to have had a breakdown to experience the type of grief and pain that stops you in your tracks. Our stories are different but the feelings and emotions are the same. What matters is when the time is right for each of us, we can perhaps find the courage to say to ourselves;
‘Enough, I cant’ do this anymore, something has to change’.
If and when you decide to choose this path of true healing – the only words you need say are ‘SHOW ME THE WAY’ and then start listening.