HEAL The Relationship With Yourself

Healing the relationship with yourself is the key to living the life you want and becoming the person you can be. Its that simple. But for many people you may not even realise that there is anything within you that needs healing. Most of us know that we are far from perfect, and we have developed many strategies to help us alleviate this feeling of lack within us. Most have to do with the ego- you can choose to hide your true self behind so many things, you can also spend your life blaming others that things haven’t worked out the way you wanted them to, and you can live your life in constant comparison. But the thing that most of us spend our lives doing is trying to gain approval from others. We want to fit in, we want to belong and we want to be loved.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

My Relationship with GOD

When I was in the worst place of my life, when I was full of grief, anguish and hatred I told myself repeatedly that there couldn’t be a GOD – because if GOD was real HE would never have made me suffer as much as I was suffering. I did, however believe in the Universe – and there were many many times when I got down on my knees, looked up to the sky and begged for relief from the turmoil that had taken over my life, my body, my mind and my soul. It was two years down the track before I had my first real experience with GOD. And while I had spent some time in a church, going to service after service trying to connect in some way with GOD – this was not the place I found him.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

Stand Still and Face The Pain

Nobody wants to feel their pain. Its the one thing we all want to run from, escape, numb. Its much easier to try and pretend that the bad things that you have faced never really happened. That they haven’t impacted you or affected your life in any way. Its much easier to believe that you are ‘fine’ than to admit that you are secretly tying to run from the pain of your past and from the underlying belief that you are in some way flawed and unworthy of love.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

We Are Here To SERVE

I believe that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, I have complete faith that I am growing and evolving and coming closer to consciousness, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I trust that the Universe is doing everything to support me in the way that I need to be supported. But there are some days, some moments when its all too much. There are moments when I fall into fear, when I doubt myself and the bigger plan. When I begrudge that my life has unfolded in the way that it has. There are moments when I feel the loneliness and the grief of losing my old life, when it all feels too hard. There are times when the self doubt kicks in and I become frustrated, tired and impatient, when I don’t feel aligned, and when I feel the opposite of joy and love. There are times like last night when I awake from a nightmare and it shakes me to the core and I wonder if I really am okay, if I really have recovered and healed. If I need to be doing more than what I am currently doing, there are moments when it is easy to beat myself up for being human.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

Higher Purpose

We all have a mission to accomplish while we are here. There is something specific and completely unique for every single person in this Universe, no matter what is happening in your life right now. I always knew that I was here to Serve in some way, to make other peoples lives better. But for so long I was so tied up in the drama of my own life, I was just trying to get by, trying to get through each day as best I could. I had nothing else to give at the end of the day but I always had a longing and a knowing within me that I was here for something more than working, paying bills and constantly feeling like I was just going around in circles never really getting anywhere. Now I know that everything that has happened in my life has led me here, exactly where I am supposed to be.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

TRUST YOURSELF

There’s lots of people out there telling you how to live your life, what you should be doing to achieve everything you desire, what foods you should be eating for optimal health, how much exercise you should do, how we should be self-caring for ourselves. There is no shortage of people telling us what to do. And honestly we’re so used to it, I think we’ve come to rely on others telling us what to do as opposed to trusting our own inner guidance system. I believe all of us have the answers that are right for each of us within us and that THE RIGHT WAY is going to be different and unique for each of us.  The greatest battle that we face in life is finding the strength and courage to listen to our own internal guidance and to follow through with what is right for each of us, to follow our intuition instead of listening to the opinions, expectations and views of others.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

Intuition: The Greatest Gift Of All

Changing your life is hard. I’m not going to pretend that its not. It takes courage, strength and determination. I believe so many people want to change the way they are living their lives – I believe that people want to do better, be better and to live their best life. But I also know the reality of change is extremely complex. Its hard to make changes when your faced with ongoing obstacles and when the people around you aren’t overly interested in also changing. You may have the motivation for a day, a week, a month, maybe even a year but then the reality hits you and you realise that change means living life in a way that you never have before. Its scary and often lonely, and most of the time it is easier to go straight back into your comfort zone- back into the life and way of being that you detest- no matter how horrible and uncomfortable that is.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

We Are The Universe

I believe completely that there is a power much bigger than most of us choose to acknowledge, I know this force is so strong that it dictates every single sequence of events that happens in each of our lives, and I trust that if we are willing to walk away from the lower energies of our ego and instead reconnect with our higher selves and Source Energy; that along the way we will be rewarded in infinite ways. But most of all I know that if we are willing to to follow our intuition and set ourselves free of all the barriers, outdated and unhelpful beliefs that we have about ourselves then we have no other option then to become the person we are destined to be and go on to live the life that we have always imagined for ourselves.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

Feeling GOOD

The foundation of returning to Spirit and living the life you want is fairly straight forward. The key is to FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF! Sounds simple but I know its anything but. For many of us we believe that we can’t feel good until we have our life all figured out ‘the partner’, ‘the money’, ‘the body’, ‘the house’, ‘the job’. We believe that when we obtain these things then we will FEEL GOOD. Most of us struggle to comprehend how we can possibly feel good when our life is not the way we want it to be and to compensate we turn to things that are not always in our best interests. (Hello food, alcohol, sex, drugs, work, control).

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

Why Our Story Matters

My story matters. As does yours. There are so many layers and components to me being where I now am, that no matter how many words I write will probably never express the full detail of my life. I don’t want to get bogged down in my story or the details because I’ve spent a very long time dragging the sad parts of my life with me. I’ve now felt the sadness, grief and despair and I’ve moved towards freedom and love. But I also think that I need to share some context so that I can then continue to focus on what really matters-  coming closer to consciousness and choosing love in every part of my life.

I think the easiest way for me to describe what has happened is by asking you to think about your life. To reflect on the things you do every day and then to imagine them all disappearing at once. I once had a normal routine that I took for granted, even sometimes begrudged due to its monotony and repetitiveness. I’d wake early to exercise (gym or a walk/run), I’d come home wake my kids, go through the morning in a rush- breakfast/packing lunches/feeding the dog/hanging the washing, I’d drive my kids to school, grab a coffee and head to work. I’d work all day in my job that I had spent my entire career working towards, then I’d spend the late afternoon/early evening dropping kids to sport/music/friends/work etc. I’d go to the shops for groceries, maybe have a quick catch up or phone call with a friend, before heading home. Dinner with the kids, cleaning up, housework. Then I’d do a bit of writing/reading/TV on the lounge with the kids. Before falling into bed exhausted. This routine, with mild variations (such as every second week I wouldn’t have my kids and would then travel long distances as part of my job with the Government) had pretty much been my life for the majority of my adult life. It was what I had come to rely on, it was familiar and probably like you- I pretty much knew exactly what was happening each week.

But during this time something else was also happening- I was also becoming ill and had been managing symptoms of IBS for close to 2 years.  But now fatigue, major food intolerances, chronic constipation, muscle weakness, unexplained weight gain and severe brain fog had become my reality.  I tried to find the answers as to why a once perfectly healthy 40year old female who took really good care of herself, could suddenly feel as though she had aged 20 years in the space of a few months. I saw nutritionists, was regularly at my local GP of 13 years, a Biomedical Doctor, a Rheumatologist, and a Gastroenterologist. I had test after test, colonoscopies, gastostrophy, bloods, urine, breath, faecal samples. I took compounded medication, eliminated sugar, caffeine, alcohol, dairy, soy, gluten, etc. I slept more and I eliminated anything in my life unless it was absolutely unnecessary. I stopped going to the gym, out with my friends and working around the house. In the space of a few months I very quickly deteriorated to the point where I had to take a month off work so that I could do nothing but rest.

My once normal life changed so rapidly in a matter of months. I had no control over what happened next. But in the space of three months both of my children suddenly left home, I had to resign from my job, I had no way of supporting myself, I lost the majority of my friends and I became so sick that I could barely leave my bed. My once normal life was gone and I fell into a state of absolute despair. Depression, anxiety, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, PTSD (from previous traumas) surfaced and I was in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze mode. I had no where to be, no one to look after, no partner to give me the support that I needed and no desire to be alive. I felt completely alone and isolated.

I tried to get help, I was flying across the State seeing specialist after specialist, I was seeing a Psychologist fortnightly, I was regularly at the Doctor, & in and out of hospital but I kept coming up against brick walls. Mostly I was being told that I had depression (& I did but this was a symptom rather than the underlying cause). I reverted to a child like state, and I stayed this way for close to 6 months. The only thing I could think was ‘I haven’t done anything wrong, why am I being punished’. I was depleted in a way that I had never been before, I cared about nothing. It felt like I had died except that I was very much still alive and living a nightmare. I couldn’t eat, or poo, or move, I couldn’t talk or think or leave the house, I couldn’t pay bills or get dressed or wash my hair. I couldn’t talk on the phone or send a text. I had no idea what day, time or month it was. I was sick, I was grieving for my children, for my life that I had just lost, I wanted nothing more than to wake up and go straight back into my boring familiar routine. I wanted to escape my body and slip effortlessly into somebody else’s life. I wanted to be anywhere except where I was. But mostly I wanted to be dead.

The thing about illness is that everyone thinks your just dealing with the illness- with whatever it is that is going on with your body. But its not true- at least not for me. In the stillness I was dealing with everything that had happened in my life, the mistakes, the shame and the guilt of every ugly event that had happened.  I was dealing with the ‘what if’s’ & ‘if only hadn’t done that’, ‘if only he hadn’t done that to me’. I was thinking about every single person who had hurt me. I was remembering all of the things that were wrong with me, all of the ways I had failed at life, all of the expectations that I hadn’t fulfilled, all of the things that I had wanted to accomplish and couldn’t. But mostly I was dealing with the reality of being me-  in the ugliest, messiest, rawest version of myself. Illness – I would discover- was never about sickness, illness was the opportunity for me to make peace with myself and my life so that I could begin to focus on what really mattered. I had to completely destruct before I could become whole.

It took me three years. I remember thinking when I resigned from my job that I just needed three months of rest and I would be fine. Never did I think it would take three years. Three years of finding the right people to help me. There were so many things I did to be okay and while I could sit here and tell you in great detail about the month long stay I had at an integrative health retreat where I had daily psychotherapy and somatic therapy, the faecal microbial transplant I had to restore my gut bacteria, the food that I ate, the supplements that I took, the healers that came to me at the time I needed them, the move I needed to make so that I could be near the beach, the meditation, yoga practices and spiritual books that bought me back to life, and the ways in which I forgave myself and those that had hurt me. The thing is this was MY JOURNEY which doesn’t mean the answers I found will be right for anybody else. The real key to my healing  was having the time and space to figure my way through and believing there was a greater purpose for it.  I needed to work through all of the pain and betrayal and find a way to make peace with everything that had happened. I needed to relive my story so that I could start telling a different one. I needed to be alone in a way I never had. There was no quick fix, cure, time line or magic pill..this was about me healing myself in the way that felt right for me. Nobody could have told me ‘how’ to do it. I followed my instincts, and my intuition. I researched everything and I took on board the things that felt right. I saw health professionals and walked away when it no longer felt right, I found new people that could take me further on MY journey. I stayed true to myself in every way. NOBODY ELSE WAS LIVING MY LIFE, NOBODY ELSE KNEW WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR ME. And that is how I recovered. Above everything else I listened to myself and I learnt how to conquer the fear that I was never going to be okay.

So you see, the story does matter because it is the foundation of where I am now-  just as your story is a reflection of where you are now. I ran from my past for so long but all I was doing was dragging it with me in every way instead of stopping and confronting and feeling what I needed to feel. I no longer see any of my past as a ‘bad thing’, I don’t wish that it never happened, I’m not resentful and I’m not re-living it. I’m not upset at the medical system, I don’t feel animosity to the people that in some way probably could have done more to help me, I’m not angry at the people who were unable to be there for me, I don’t blame my children for leaving when they did nor will I spend the rest of my life making them feel guilty. I have forgiven the people that have hurt me and I have forgiven myself because I know it has all happened exactly as it was supposed to. I know to hold on to any of it would only mean that I am letting myself down and moving me further away from where I want to be. I’ve moved on but I still respect my story- but I don’t need to tell it in absolute detail. I’ve let go of the need to stay attached to it and I know that it has led me back to where I need to be.

Kylie West
Continue Reading