When I was in the worst place of my life, when I was full of grief, anguish and hatred I told myself repeatedly that there couldn’t be a GOD – because if GOD was real HE would never have made me suffer as much as I was suffering. I did, however believe in the Universe – and there were many many times when I got down on my knees, looked up to the sky and begged for relief from the turmoil that had taken over my life, my body, my mind and my soul. It was two years down the track before I had my first real experience with GOD. And while I had spent some time in a church, going to service after service trying to connect in some way with GOD – this was not the place I found him.
I found him while I was walking along an almost empty beach. I had an experience that was so profound and so real that I knew my life would never be the same again. And while I won’t go into detail here around the details of what actually happened I will say that on that afternoon I realised that GOD was not seperate from me. I realised that GOD was IN ME, AND ALL AROUND ME. I had spent so long thinking that GOD was a seperate entity, someone who resided high up in the sky (and far away from my reality), someone who if he really did exist was cruel and was using his power to destroy my life. That afternoon I realised that GOD was not seperate from me, GOD WAS ME.
What I felt within me, in that moment was something that I have never felt before. The feeling of no longer being alone, of feeling whole and full. Later that night I would experience what it was like to hear GOD speak to me, words that were not said out loud but came from deep within ‘YOU ARE SAFE, I AM HERE’. I knew at that moment that my hunch that I was being guided towards something much bigger had not been something that I was making up. I realised that while I had been pleading to the Universe, I had in fact been speaking to GOD, and while I had been re-building the relationship with myself I had actually been familiarising myself with GOD. As I had started to heal, to like myself and to nurture myself in the kindest possible way I was making the steps to love myself as GOD loved me. GOD came to me at the exact time I started to love myself. I saw myself as GOD saw me and in doing so I was- and still do- able to feel him within me.
What I have come to know is that through the suffering, by being stripped of everything I cared about, through the heartache and the grief – GOD was teaching me what I needed to know. I was being stripped of my EGO, and in doing so I was being taught how to surrender and let go, so that I could really understand what matters- to see the World through the eyes of GOD- with only love and compassion. I had to know suffering so that I could know love. I had to live with grief so that I can show others there was a way through, I had to understand anguish so that I can give EVERYONE compassion. I was being given the greatest gift of my life. But I almost didn’t see it because I was so convinced that I was being punished.
I had to go from the mindset of ‘IT’S NOT FAIR, IF ONLY THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN‘ TO ‘WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW, SHOW ME THE WAY‘. I had to believe in something bigger than I had ever thought possible, I had to let go of everything that I thought I knew about myself and life, and I had to be crumbled so that I could rise in the way that GOD had always intended me to. The suffering, the grief, the anger, the frustration is terrifying but its a process to get us to where we are supposed to be, without it nothing would change. We would never evolve and we would never grow. We would never come back to our true selves and to GOD, we would never realise what really matters in life and we would never live the lives we are destined to live.
I dont go to church, I don’t read the bible, and I don’t try to force my ideas of GOD onto those around me, but I know I wouldn’t have come this far if I hadn’t found GOD within. I know I’m never alone, I know I am being guided and I know I am loved. I pray/converse with GOD most days and constantly ask for guidance (if I don’t I always feel the threat of fear willing to take over). I choose love because that is what GOD sees, I choose compassion for others (especially those that have hurt me & those who have hurt others) and I choose to believe that GOD loves me just as I am. Because I am enough.