The Final Test

 

So you feel like your right on the brink of a break through. You’ve been doing all of the right things- working on yourself, expressing gratitude, meditating, eating right, trusting and following your intuition, and dedicating yourself to a new way of being. It feels like your edging closer to achieving the very thing you want MORE THAN ANYTHING. You know your not doing it for any other reason then you know its what you came here to do. You can feel the change within you and around you. You’re inner dialogue tells you that you are about to manifest the life that you know you can have and that miracles are about to happen. You know its time – you’re closer than you’ve ever been before.

And then – whoosh out of nowhere- your dealt with a blow, perhaps even several all at once. And just like that your certainty is gone only to be replaced with doubt, fear and anger. Your beautiful inner dialogue suddenly switches to ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS, IS THIS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN, WHAT AM I DOING WRONG, I’VE BEEN SO PATIENT, I THOUGHT I WAS ON TRACK’.

And just like that your back questioning EVERYTHING. Your angry at yourself, at your life, and mostly your angry at GOD- for making it so hard. You begin to question yourself, your life, your intuition. You loose faith that there is even any such thing as Universal Guidance, and you want to crawl deep back into the ‘It doesn’t really work, it’s a load of rubbish, I feel like an idiot’. But most of all you get down on yourself and the self doubt and the self loathing can quickly begin to erode that self assurance you had only 5 minutes ago.

But it is here, when you know your so close, when you know your on the brink, when you know you’ve done the work but to others it looks like your still so far away, that you must resist the urge to fall into the belief that the very thing you want is actually never going to happen. This is when the voices of all of the people that made you doubt yourself and questioned when you were going to go back to ‘normal’ life fill your head. This is when the fear, doubt and questioning begins and it is here that every single thing that has ever gone wrong in your life flashes before you. It is here, when you are the closest you have ever been to wanting to give up, that you must pull out every singe trick that you have learnt along the way.

Feel the disappointment, let the rage and anger rush through your body, don’t try to drown them out with positivity. Listen to the fear stories that are bombarding you, yell, scream, cry. FEEL IT ALL .. and then pause.

Pause to remember that God doesn’t give you anything to punish you. It feels like punishment but really God is making sure your ready. Its a test to see if you will give up, its a test to make sure all of the doubts are really gone, its a final clearing to show that you are ready to Serve and do what it is you came here to do. There will be many more tests along the way, but none more important than this.

This is the time (when your right on the brink of a break through/ a miracle) when you have to keep the faith more than ever. This is the time when you have to show your dedication, show how much you have grown, how faithful you remain, how committed you are to fulfilling your purpose.  This is when you fill your mind, your inner dialogue with love and support for yourself (instead of beating yourself up or falling into blame), this is when you thank God for the lessons and tell him that you are ready, this is when you clear out everything you no longer need to live the rest of your life manifesting and expecting miracles.  This is not the time for doubt and fear to win, this is the time for faith and love to rule. This is the time when you have to back yourself like you never have before – at the very time you think you want to throw it all in.

Your not being punished, your being guided into the new. It’s probably not working out the way you thought it would but its a timely reminder to surrender, to let go of control, to trust that God has it organised. All you have to do is believe.

 

 

Kylie West
Continue Reading

Are You Betraying Yourself?

I’ve spoken at length about the importance of building the relationship with myself and how crucial that was in my recovery and healing. Had I of continued to speak to myself, push myself and treat myself the way in which I had become accustomed to then I have no doubt in saying that the likelihood of me being here would be zero to none. Taking note of my inner dialogue was the first crucial step for me, figuring out and addressing the reasons as to why I had become accustomed to speaking to myself so poorly and thinking so little of myself was one of the hardest parts of my recovery (esp in the midst of debilitating depression and suicide ideation).

The way I speak to myself and think about myself now is completely different. My thoughts are the opposite and my automatic thinking patterns have changed significantly. But to be honest I never really thought that I gave myself that hard a time, I thought I was just pushing myself to be the best that I could be. But I was pushing myself for all of the wrong reasons. I was trying to prove my worth by showing others how well I was doing at life but internally I was constantly beating myself up. When I got the great high paying job my inner dialogue was ‘You’re not good enough for this, you have to work harder because everyone else is smarter than you’. When I lost weight instead of rejoicing I focused on losing more (even though I was skinny) ‘Now you just need to lose that weight on your hips and your belly then you’d really look great’. When I went out to dinner with friends instead of relaxing and enjoying myself fully, I would feel threatened by anyone that was skinnier or prettier than me ‘See you’ve got no chance of finding a boyfriend when there’s girls that look like that’.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

Protecting Our Children

I remember when my children were first born, feeling the innate and the fierce urge I had to protect my them from harm. I had been given the most precious job in the world, and all I wanted to do was keep them safe. This protectiveness is still very much within me, but now I know its futile trying to keep them safe and protected in a World where there is so much hurt and suffering. As much as I have wanted to protect both my children from the hardships of life, from experiencing heartbreak and disappointments, as much as I want to wrap them up in cotton wool and ensure they don’t make their own mistakes – I now know that I can’t. Now I know – as the turn 21 and 18 this year- that the only requirement that I have ever needed and will ever need to fulfil in my role as their mother is to love them unconditionally.

There are so many ways in which I haven’t been able to protect them. I couldn’t stop their world from collapsing when the were 7 and 5 and their parents cold no longer live together. I couldn’t protect them when they both struggled immensely when the co-parenting arrangement was introduced. I couldn’t protect them from the fear and worry when I got sick and none of us had any idea of what was happening. There were so many times I didn’t keep them safe in the way that I wanted to, there were so many times when I wasn’t the parent that I could have been.

 

So much of my healing has centred around my children and the immense guilt I felt for providing so much chaos in their young lives. I had wanted to give them a family life that would be vastly different to the one I had experienced.  And while it was completely different it also had strong elements of pain and grief. I especially held on to the guilt of being the one who instigated the separation between my ex-husband and myself. The reasons for so much of my children’s suffering has much to do with the reality of growing up in two very different households. It was a valuable lesson for all of us on how NOT to co-parent.  The burden of that was something I carried on my shoulders for a very long time.

But not any more. I’ve healed that pain, I’ve forgiven myself, my ex-husband and the situation that we found ourselves in. My children have and will continue to suffer in ways that I wish they didn’t have to. But I also know through this suffering they have the opportunity to experience so much greatness, so much love, so much joy. They have the opportunity to heal from within if they so choose. These things that have happened for them are blessings. The pain, when and if they choose to confront it will be their greatest teachers ever. I know there are no coincidences in life and I know that our children choose their parents for whatever life lesson they need to learn and heal from. And as their mum, I know as much as I want to slip into the lower energies of the EGO and tell them what they should and shouldn’t do in their lives, to try and maintain some control (grip) over their lives, I can’t. But when I stay aligned with Spirit I know I don’t need or want to. I know and I’ve known for a long time that they don’t need to be told what to do, they both have a very capable inner guidance system that tells them exactly what they need to know. They don’t and never needed me to tell them what to do.

I’m done with the fear parenting, I’m finished with the games between their dad and I, I’ve stopped the behaviours that would indicate that they owe me something (for being their parent & for the sacrifices that I may have made), and I’m no longer beating myself up for how it all turned out. I don’t nag them, I don’t tell them what to eat, I don’t try to make them feel like they have to look after me in any way, I don’t harass them to ring or come and see me if they really don’t want to. I’m not trying to stop them from making the same mistakes that I made and I’m not telling them that they have to work/study hard so that they can make something of themselves.

Instead I’m doing the only thing that they need me to do, the same thing I’ve done throughout their lives and the same thing they have done for me- I’m loving them unconditionally. I’m accepting them completely as they are just as they are, knowing that they are capable and competent of becoming whom ever they want to be and living their lives in whichever way inspires them. I know their decisions are their own and that they have no obligation to keep me happy or satisfied (that includes if they choose not to follow their intuition, align with their higher selves and become who God knows they can be). I know that when I do this, when I’m there for them whenever they need me, when I’m living my life in the best way possible, when I’m loving them with nothing but pure love I’ve done everything they need me to do.

Kylie West
Continue Reading

BELIEVE

If there’s one thing I’ve had to learn over the past 3 years its letting go and learning to trust. There’s so many reasons why this is near impossible. EGO tells us to control, plan, cling, hold on to the stories and the fear based reasons as to why we can never have the life that we want. That little bit of inner doubt is the very thing that stops us from manifesting the life that is waiting for us.

 

When I look back and reflect on how the last three years have played out it is blatantly obvious that I have been protected by a force much bigger than myself. At the worst time in my life, when everything had fallen apart, when I had fallen apart, the Universe was making sure I was okay. But it would have been easy to miss these miracles because I was so caught up in the reality of loosing my old life. It could have been so much worse than what it was and these little things that could have gone unnoticed kept me in a constant state of gratitude. I had to see the little blessings amongst the chaos and heartbreak.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

The Biggest Struggle Of All

The biggest struggle most of us have is with ourselves. We get in the way of ourselves with the constant belief that we have to be more than who we are. Our normal human desire is to want to be loved, we want to matter and we want to feel as though we have something to contribute to those around us and to the world. More than anything we want to belong to something bigger than ourselves. We want to aim high and show those around us that we do matter. From a very young age we learn that when we please others and make them happy we are rewarded with love and praise. And it feels good, but we also learn from a very early age to care deeply about what others think of us. We let others words and actions impact how we think about ourselves.

We want to get it right, to get life right, to prove ourselves and to show those around us that who we are is somebody really important. We want to make the people who love us proud, and sometimes we want to prove ourselves to the people that treated us poorly. (‘See I do really matter, you should never have treated me the way you did’). Most often we use the lower energies of EGO to convince ourselves how well/or  poorly we are doing. Self-worth comes from money, possessions, achievements, appearances, fame but we can never rid ourselves of the self doubt and the longing for more. We can never eradicate the feeling that we always need to be more than who we really are (no matter how much we have or what we have achieved). What we are looking for is fulfilment but we think it comes from others. We have forgotten it can only come from one place – ourselves.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

Walking Around In EGO

How are you living your life? Are you going through the motions, caught up in the busy-ness and routine of life? Or do you feel energised, alive and inspired. Are you living your life in the best way that you can? Many of us don’t even realise we have a choice and the vast majority of the population are living their lives in a way that is hard and uncomfortable. Are you willing to look for another way? What would it be like for you if you were to move away from living an ego dominated life and move towards living a life where you feel aligned with the higher energies. What would your life look like if you chose to return to Spirit, to return to your higher self, to return to LOVE.

Living life in EGO looks something like this; feeling tired all of the time, not feeling fulfilled in your job/relationship/home life (& believing there is no way you can change any of it), living in your head trying to plan, think and control your way through life, allowing fear to stop you from doing the things you really want to do, letting other peoples actions and words dictate your mood, constantly waiting for the weekend to roll around, feeling like you have to please others and put their needs before yours,  waiting for your happiness to arrive (when you meet the right person/get the job/buy the house), fretting and worrying about money, feeling like you never have enough time and repeatedly putting yourself down or wishing that you were more than what you are (this can also come in the form of thinking you are better than others because of what you have/how you look/ & what you have achieved).

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading

Speaking Your Truth

Oprah’s speech last night at the Golden Globes stirred something deep within me. You too? The message was loud and clear; speaking our truth is the most powerful tool we have.

Speaking my truth has caused me immeasurable pain throughout my life, I’ve told my truth to lots of people only to be shunned, ignored, belittled, disbelieved, blamed. My truth, like so many other people’s truths -seemed too hard for too many people to listen to. And so I learnt to stay quiet, to suppress myself, to pretend that I was okay. I held it in, pushing all of the hurt, blame, anger and resentment deep down within me, until I made myself so sick that the only way for me to recover was to unravel the truth, to pull it from the depths of my being, to confront and feel the sorrow and then to let it go. I had to speak my real truth for the first time ever, all of it, I left nothing out. Secrets, lies, betrayal, all of the things that I had tried to ignore and run from, exposed. All of the shame, guilt, regret, people I had tried to protect, the dirty little secrets all exposed. It was excrutiating but I also knew it was the only way forward.

Read the rest of this post...
Continue Reading