When I was in the midst of the worst depression I had ever experienced I believed I had very little to be grateful for. I was extremely ill with a long long list of medical symptoms (& no matter how many Medical Specialists I saw nobody could give me a definitive explanation as to why my previously healthy 40 year old body was no longer functioning), I had resigned from the job that I had spent my whole career working towards and I had no way to support myself or pay the mortgage, car loan and other responsibilities that most 40 year old adults have. I was completely alone- no partner, and both of my teenage children had suddenly left home within a month of each other in circumstances that were completely out of my control. The vast majority of my friends and former colleagues seemed to all suddenly disappear at the same time. I was alone and in the worst state of my life, so it was no surprise that suicide was pretty much the only thing I could think about.
The negativity, frustration, and deflation that was sitting within me was huge. I had lost everything that had ever mattered to me- my health, my children, my career, my appearance had dramatically changed, my ability to support myself and contribute to the World, my social life, my friendship circle, and my eternal optimism that one day my life was all going to fall in to place. To say that I was depressed, anxious and traumatised would be an understatement. I kept replaying things over and over in my head, I kept holding on trying to find ways to get out of the mess I was in, and I kept falling into the mindset and belief that I would never be okay ever again. There was no happiness, no joy, no smiles, no laughter, no chats, no music for a very long time. There was only darkness and it stayed with me 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I hated the world, I hated my life, I hated everyone that had caused me pain and hurt, I hated everyone else who was living their ‘normal’ life but most of all I hated myself.
I spent close to 7 months highly suicidal, predominantly locked away in my house. My parents and a friend were my only constant visitors during this time, but I know they lived with the constant fear that one day they would find me dead. I wanted to be dead, and I thought about how I would do it thousands of times a day. I imagined my body hanging from the ceiling, I imagined the phone call my dad would make to alert the police, I imagined how few people would be at my funeral, I imagined my ex husband badmouthing me to my children because I had let them down, I imagined the relief I would feel when I no longer had to feel. I wanted to die because I thought I had failed, I wanted to die because I couldn’t see how I would ever dig my way out of the mess I was in, I wanted to die because no matter how hard I tried it was never enough, I wanted to die because nobody really seemed to care that I was hurting so much.
But the reason I found a way to stay alive is relatively simple. I began to shift my focus, I turned my vibration, and my energy from the pain and turmoil that I was experiencing and instead started focusing my attention on tiny things that I never used to notice or acknowledge. I started to look for anything that I could be grateful for. I started to change my vibration. And when I mean tiny I mean mi-nute. The bird that sang outside my bedroom window, the energy I found to have a shower, a new blog I would find that gave me more information on finding the underlying reasons behind my declining health, the fact that I still had a house because the bank allowed me to stop my mortgage payments for a period of time, the times that I ate food and wouldn’t have a major reaction, the moments when I could walk pain free. I started with the most basic things that I would once never have given a second thought to. I began to shift my energy from fear to love. Slowly, slowly ever so slowly.
But just so that we are clear, this didn’t make my depression go away, I wasn’t miraculously cured ( I did many other things to heal- but this is what initially helped me through the 7 months I was suicidal). I was still depressed, anxious, traumatised, and at times suicidal. I’m not saying this is your answer, but it can be the beginning of healing. Finding any tiny thing you can feel some kind of gratitude and appreciation for has the opportunity to move you towards a better feeling so you can begin to escape the grip of suicidal thinking. We attract what we think about and our thoughts create our reality, had I of continued to focus on suicide instead of beginning to feel a slight sense of calmness because of what I did still have then I doubt I would be here. As bad as my situation was I started to realise that it could still have been much worse. You can’t go straight from depression to joy, but you can go from depression to anger or resentment etc (which is better than focusing your attention on suicide). You can gradually reach for a better feeling simply by focusing your attention- even for the slightest period of time- on to something that is not associated with the dread and anguish you are feeling when you are heavily depressed.
The energy that we give out is what we will receive back from the Universe (yes I know how frustrating that is when your in depression, I know you are already giving yourself a hard time). If we focus only on everything that is going wrong (even if it is all going wrong) then we will receive more of the same and we will stay trapped in the fear that there is no way out). When we shift our attention and our vibration and reach for a better feeling then we will be rewarded. Things will begin to shift and change ever so slightly- perhaps enough so that you can begin to see some light, even if it is the tiniest speck. I’m not suggesting that you can just brush off the pain and turmoil and the underlying reasons behind your depression – I know how vital and important it is to explore and confront these things- BUT by shifting your focus and finding just one thing to be appreciative of- perhaps your bed, or the food that you have eaten today, or your favourite song, or the water running over your head when your in the shower, or a friend that suddenly sends you a text..you will automatically begin to change the vibration of your energy. Dig as deep as you need to- because I know that no matter your current situation there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. I know its so easy to focus on what we don’t have, what we are lacking in, the lower energies of ego can so easily convince us that we have nothing, and that there is little to be grateful for but I assure you when you begin to notice the small things and feel a sense of appreciation (even if you have to fake it for a while); bigger things will soon be on their way.
I understand why people take their own lives. Its exhausting trying to find reasons to stay alive when you think you have nothing to live for. But I also know that staying alive when all I wanted to do was die has and always will be the greatest achievement of my life. Taking the steps to return to LOVE has changed my life forever. Being heavily suicidal may appear to be a weakness but for me it was the beginning of a new way of being. Perhaps, for you as well..