Have you ever felt like your whole life is falling apart? When nothing is going right, perhaps you feel unsettled in your job, you have never ending bills coming in that you have no idea how your going to pay, perhaps your relationship is falling apart and you have little idea on how to fix it, the people around you are irritating and annoying you or maybe your just sick of the constant struggle of life.
The more your life begins to dismantle the harder you try to hold on to control. You want to fix, you want everything to go back to the way you used to be and more than anything you want to escape the reality of your current situation. You begin to speed up- your actions, your thinking, you are desperate to hold on and make everything okay. You will do whatever it takes to avoid the train wreck that you suspect is imminent.
When I was right at the beginning of my breakdown, I did the exact same thing. I clung- DESPERATELY. I held on because I was so scared of losing everything that I had worked for (my career, my possessions, my social status, my lifestyle, my physical appearance), but mostly I was scared of letting go because that would mean that I was a failure- a belief that I had been running from for a very long time. Giving up and giving in had never been an option for me. I was desperately searching for answers, trying to find the right medical specialist that would be able to quickly ‘cure’ me, refusing to resign from my job- even when I was so unwell- because I had nobody else to support me. I was petrified of being alone and losing everything I had worked so hard for. I tried to do everything I could to hold on to the life that I had built for myself, but NOTHING went the way I wanted to.
Eventually I had no choice but to let go. I was depleted, incredibly ill and so despondent. I let go of trying to find the answers to my failing health, I let go of my high paying job, I let go of trying to figure out how I was going to keep my house, my car and pay the bills, and I resigned myself to the fact that I was utterly alone in a way I had never been before. I then fell into the deepest darkest depression that I have ever known. A depression that was so heavy I was convinced the only way out was death, a depression that many believed I would never escape. A depression that lasted almost three years and ultimately changed the course of my life forever.
I had little idea that the chaos that was happening in my life, the giant collapse of everything that I had ever cared about (mostly the loss of my family unit), and the complete falling apart of my body, mind and heart were actually going to be the greatest blessings of my life. I didn’t know that God had something bigger planned for me. I was too busy clinging to the lower energies of ego, fear and grief because I didn’t know any differently.
I know that I can’t change the past, I realise it all happened exactly as it was supposed to but there are some things that I wish I had known when I was in the midst of ‘falling apart’. I wonder if ever you find yourself in a place where it feels like everything is falling apart in your life – that it may in some way serve you to consider the following;
- Anything that is falling apart in your life – your job, your health, your relationship, your friendship circle- is supposed to. Perhaps you’ve been putting up with little inklings and signs that something is not right and trying to ignore them thinking that it will get better. What you resist persists. Its time, the universe is forcing you to evolve and grow- there is something much better for you. Your ego will try to convince you that you need these things/people, and fear will convince you that there are no other options for you. You can make the choice to continue to believe this fear and ego or you can begin to look for another way and trust that you are being guided to something better.
- God doesn’t give you anything that you can’t handle. Its okay to not feel strong- be weak, feel what you need to feel. True strength comes from within when you are willing to look at your ‘problem’ in another light. Instead of ‘why me, its not fair’ try ‘what has this come to teach me, show me the way’.
- You may think that losing your possessions, your job, your partner, your social status are the worst things that could happen to you. That you are nothing without your identities, roles and items. Its ego once again telling you that you have to fit in, not make a fuss, make it look like your succeeding at life. Its difficult to begin to let go of the person you have spent so long becoming, and who others have come to expect you to be. But you are being given the opportunity to come back to the true you and to accept yourself completely just as you are. (This one is EXTRA HARD). The people that stick around and love you when you think you have nothing are the people you really need.
- Your going to lose people, they won’t be there for you in the way that you need them. IT WILL HURT. And you have every right to be resentful and angry but eventually you come to realise that everyone who comes into your life does so to teach you something specific. It will make you feel unloved, and unimportant, and it will make you question yourself but it will also show you what you do want and expect from a relationship/friendship/family. It will force you to strengthen the relationship with yourself so that you can attract the people that you really need in your life.
- If you listen deep within, and turn your attention and focus to appreciation, you will be guided every step of the way when you make the decision to stay true to yourself and your inner voice (yes its usually taking the harder option over the easier one). The Universe will open doors for you that you could never have imagined. When I finally let go and accepted what was happening things began to fall into place effortlessly, money came to me without struggle, I was guided to the right health specialists, and I began to trust that I really was supported by a force much bigger than myself.
- When your panicking, worrying or feeling like you are losing control because your head is so full, use techniques to bring yourself back to the present. Teach yourself to come back to the present, to stop trying to figure everything out and come back to the only thing that matters – your breath. There is a way through whatever obstacle you are currently facing and you will find a way to move through it. But you can’t do it when you are speeding up and trying to work everything out in your head. Come back to the present moment, using grounding techniques and affirmations such as ‘I’ve been through hard things before and I got through them, I can do it again’, or ‘I don’t have to figure it all out now, I will slow down and find some stillness first’, ‘The answers I need are within me, I am always guided’. Resisting the urge to speed up and numb (alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, sex) and avoiding your true feelings will be strong but sitting in the discomfort and facing the fear could be more beneficial to getting you to where you really need to go.
Letting go is hard, trusting that we are being guided and supported is the thing that trips so many of us up. We want to believe, but we also want to maintain some control over our lives. To not know what is coming next is terrifying, but it can also be exhilarating if you let go and surrender. Look for the signs, if things are falling apart please believe that there is something better in store for you.