I’ve got some questions. For myself, I’ve been sitting on them, contemplating, and in many ways resisting. I know that without the alone-ness that I have been sitting in for a very long time I doubt these queries would ever have been raised. But I’m glad they have. I’m curiously questioning, probing deeper, understanding more and less at the same time because this is the time to do so. This is what I’m being guided to do.
There’s been much change, my life looks nothing like it did before I got sick three years ago. I’ve learnt so much, opened myself to so many new ways and possibilities and every time I think I’ve learnt as much as I can, suddenly I am reminded how much more there is to know. Many new possibilities open up and I begin to see a whole new world in a brand new light. So many gifts but also so many moments when it is easy for me to feel so alone, when I feel worn down from the evolving and the growth. Times when I am reminded that sometimes I would like a ‘normal’ life as opposed to remembering that my life actually looks very different to many of those around me. Times when I crave for a partner, my children, the safety of having a job and a home, with an army of friends to come and take the isolation away, to gather me in their warm grasp and cocoon me from the harshness of life that I can so easily feel.
But I know the truth, and I keep coming back to the faithful reminder that I am never alone, SOURCE ( GOD & The Universe) is within me, protecting me, guiding me, reassuring me that I am in fact in the greatest company of all. As I continually commit to making many new discoveries about myself , as I commit to finding out how I really want to live my life, as I commit to living a life of Service, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am constantly reminded the only thing that matters is living in the present, in the here, in the now.
Pain has allowed me this opportunity. Grief, loss, devastation, illness, heartache, isolation and nothing-ness. They have all been both my curse and my greatest blessing. And now as I begin to walk back into life I know it is different to how it has ever been before. I’m opening into a new way of being, a version of myself that I have not known for the longest of times. So tender and fragile yet so strong and so certain. I’m learning as I go, resisting the urge to fall into old patterns, particularly the need to speed up and control. Now that I feel so well it is easy to convince myself that I need to make up for lost time- three years where I have learnt to do nothing but surrender, survive and re-open myself back to my natural state of love.
And so I come to these questions for mysef. Can I surrender more? Can I let go when I’ve already let go of so much? I’ve been stripped back, more than I ever thought possible. The things that I used to care so much about- gaining approval and love, fitting in, possessions, looking a certain way, and achieving are no longer of any interest to me. But I wonder with great compassion for myself and the acknowledgement of how far I have actually come, can I go further without feeling the pressure of having to do so? And the answer is here before I even finish asking myself the question.
YES, of course I can. I lost the thing I cared most about in my life – my family unit, and I survived. I spent three years battling the demons that told me the only way out was to kill myself, I restored my body back to health when countless medical specialists told me I would be living the rest of my life with the long list of diagnoses they gave me. I healed my body and mind from horrific abuse and trauma to once again restore my heart and believe that the world is a good place to be. I walked away from the safety and comfort of my own home to live in a camper trailer by the beach so that I could be closer to my son. And I abandoned my 20year career because I always knew that I was here for a higher calling. Every step of the way I have turned from fear to love. So the answer is A DEEP RESOUNDING YES.
And so the quest begins here;
To go slower when I already feel like a snail.
To be more present when I’m consciously aware of living in the present moment
To be kinder when I know I’m already compassionate
To give away more ‘stuff’ when I now own so little
To release the need to know and control when I’m already trusting my intuition and instinct
To love myself more when I love myself more than I ever have before
To listen more to others when I have so much I want to say
To feel more when it already feels like I feel too much
To release the need for an outcome when I’m already living life as I wish
To show more appreciation when I’m already truly grateful to be alive
To be more gentle with myself when I have so often resisted the urge to be harsh
Now I step forward knowing the choice is always mine, the only thing I need have is awareness. My natural state is one of love and joy and so I will do whatever I can to remain here. Yoga, meditation, prayer and real food are the foundations, and will always be the foundations I need. These are the tools I used to re-build myself, and will continue to do so. These are the non negotiable’s in my life so that I can continue to fulfil Gods’ purpose for me.