Turning Anxiety Into LOVE

My experience with anxiety has been crippling. Its kept me housebound for long periods of time, feeling like some kind of alien and has ensured that the most simple of tasks became somewhat impossible. During my most challenging time I was having up to 20 panic attacks a day, in a constant state of flight/fight/freeze mode and leaving the house was not something I could do. I was trying to fight for my life, my body had stopped working, I couldn’t eat, pass a bowel movement, the fatigue kept me glued to my bed, my thyroid and hormones were imbalanced and despite seeing numerous medical specialists nobody could tell me what was happening to my body. My family unit had fallen apart, I could no longer work or support myself, my friendship circle had all but disappeared, and I had absolutely no control over any part of my life. Anxiety had every right to be there.

I have always been an ‘anxious’ person- a constant over thinker, hyper vigilant to other peoples words and actions,  super sensitive in my emotions, and overly critical of every action I make and word that comes out of my mouth. I’ve lived in my head for much of my life, trying to carefully plan everything out to avoid any unnecessary disruptions, trying to play it safe and do what was expected of me. While ever I had this plan in place I was safe. If I knew what was coming I was fine and I adopted many strategies to calm myself throughout the day and night when things got a little rocky. If I could control most of the details of my life there would be no chance of things falling apart – of me falling apart. But things didn’t go according to plan, and there was no way I could continue to live my safe little life. The wheels fell of, many times and with it depression and then anxiety became my new best friends.

 

While anxiety has done its best to freeze me in time, to keep me scared and small, to stop me from living the life I really want to live, its also given me much much more. Anxiety,  has been a blessing- because I’ve chosen to see it that way. Its forced me to confront myself, my life, my patterns of behaviour and thinking, as well as the quality of my self talk. Its given me the skills to really change the way I talk to myself, care for myself and see myself. Anxiety- when I let it be, when I surrendered to it, instead of beating myself up for having it- was very much the precursor for turning to a LOVE based life, and for turning to God.

My anxiety for the most part has disappeared- it no longer greatly impacts my life to the degree that it once did. And I believe thats because of several factors- my gut health and overall health have been rectified, I’m living my life the way I want while also being more present, I’ve made peace with myself and my past, and my self talk has gone from worrying and fretful thoughts to filling my mind with thoughts that are actually helpful, to talking often to God knowing that He will guide and support me through life.  But there are times when it comes back, sometimes I struggle with the most basic things- talking to people, catching public transport, driving in unfamiliar territory. It surprises me to say, that I’ve not experienced any anxiety about trusting that God is in charge, that He has and is about to deliver me miracles beyond my wildest dreams. I don’t feel anxious about these really big things that are happening in my life- like not having a permanent home, a car, a job, cash flow, permanency in the things that I could once never have imagined letting go of. Its a big deal to let go and surrender everything to the Universe, especially with my history of trying to control and plan. But really, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. Its the safest place to be.

Kylie West
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Showing Up For Myself

There are some big shifts happening, in the skies and internally – a calling for change, to come closer to consciousness, to come closer to GOD. For me, its really shown up in the way that I now wish to go forward and live my life. I’m being asked to really commit and devote myself to a life of serving God. Really its about the way I want to feel- to feel nothing but pure LOVE. I spent a long time thinking that I was being called to Serve God, and I still agree wholeheartedly with this notion. I think that ALL of us are called to do so. BUT my focus more than ever is concentrating on the way I feel, and what I want to feel more than anything is LOVE, PEACE, JOY, COMPASSION and CONNECTION. MY DEEPEST WISH IS TO GO THROUGH MY LIFE STAYING IN THIS STATE OF BLISS. I now understand that this is what GOD’S message is all about, that this is what God is.

Marianne Williamson writes in ‘A Return To Love’

Making our goal anything other than peace is emotionally self-destructive. If our goal is to get the job, then thats fine if we do, but if we don’t get the job, we’ll feel depressed. If we make peace our goal, then if we get the job, that’s great, but if we don’t, we’re still peaceful.

So I probe deeper, into myself and this is the question that I find continuously coming up; ‘Where in my daily life am I letting myself down?’. Because I like to work from a positive standpoint I then rephrase this question into ‘What does it mean to really show up for myself and feel the best I possibly can so that I can become the person that God knows I am capable of becoming?’.

There is no benefit to me to be less than I can be. To stay stuck in the smallness of thinking and fearing ‘that there really is no such thing as Universal support or that I shouldn’t expect God’s help or a lifetime of miracles’, is the surest way to keep me from this higher vision. I know its just not the case, but there are times when fear can win out on this. Times when I question what I am doing, when I look at the reality of my situation and think ‘Wow, really what on earth are you doing?’. When I look at my bank account, the fact that I don’t have a permanent residence, or a job or a form of income, or a partner, or even the fact that I don’t have much of a plan (& def NO GOALS- other than to serve) and I have small moments of wondering if I really got it all so very wrong.

This is fear, this is ego. and if I’m not consciously aware of this then it easily takes over. I understand why people don’t believe,  I know many people would be thinking ‘Wake up and come back to reality, get yourself a job ad contribute like your supposed to’. But this is my reality, for me- right now there is no other way. I know that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Because when I let go of the fear and I feel the absolute joy and love of being alive in this moment right now, when I feel Gods presence guiding me, supporting me, loving me- I know that THIS IS REALITY. This is how life is intended to be- for all of us. I expect a miracle, and I know it will come. I know the fact that I am still alive is the greatest miracle of all. I know my only requirement is to turn away from fear and come back to LOVE.

So every day, every moment of every day I move towards LOVE. I make the choice to keep LOVE as the focus. To live in the present instead of carrying my burdens from the past, to pray and ask for help instead of worrying. To follow my intuition instead of thinking that I have to plan my life out in my head. To look at those around me with compassion and love instead of judgement, to make sure my inner voice and thoughts are filled with praise and positivity instead of fear and pain. To feel what I need to feel instead of numbing and running and blaming everyone else. To turn to God instead of turning against Him.

I’m learning, this new way of being. I’m far from perfect at it. I’m awake to the possibility of how much better I can really feel each day, instead of just getting through each day wondering when something exciting is going to happen, putting up with a life that drains me and makes me wonder what its all for. I used to think that somebody would come and save me from the mess I was in, never did I expect that the Saviour I was looking for  would be me turning inwards so that I could turn towards God.

Kylie West
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