I remember when my children were first born, feeling the innate and the fierce urge I had to protect my them from harm. I had been given the most precious job in the world, and all I wanted to do was keep them safe. This protectiveness is still very much within me, but now I know its futile trying to keep them safe and protected in a World where there is so much hurt and suffering. As much as I have wanted to protect both my children from the hardships of life, from experiencing heartbreak and disappointments, as much as I want to wrap them up in cotton wool and ensure they don’t make their own mistakes – I now know that I can’t. Now I know – as the turn 21 and 18 this year- that the only requirement that I have ever needed and will ever need to fulfil in my role as their mother is to love them unconditionally.
There are so many ways in which I haven’t been able to protect them. I couldn’t stop their world from collapsing when the were 7 and 5 and their parents cold no longer live together. I couldn’t protect them when they both struggled immensely when the co-parenting arrangement was introduced. I couldn’t protect them from the fear and worry when I got sick and none of us had any idea of what was happening. There were so many times I didn’t keep them safe in the way that I wanted to, there were so many times when I wasn’t the parent that I could have been.
So much of my healing has centred around my children and the immense guilt I felt for providing so much chaos in their young lives. I had wanted to give them a family life that would be vastly different to the one I had experienced. And while it was completely different it also had strong elements of pain and grief. I especially held on to the guilt of being the one who instigated the separation between my ex-husband and myself. The reasons for so much of my children’s suffering has much to do with the reality of growing up in two very different households. It was a valuable lesson for all of us on how NOT to co-parent. The burden of that was something I carried on my shoulders for a very long time.
But not any more. I’ve healed that pain, I’ve forgiven myself, my ex-husband and the situation that we found ourselves in. My children have and will continue to suffer in ways that I wish they didn’t have to. But I also know through this suffering they have the opportunity to experience so much greatness, so much love, so much joy. They have the opportunity to heal from within if they so choose. These things that have happened for them are blessings. The pain, when and if they choose to confront it will be their greatest teachers ever. I know there are no coincidences in life and I know that our children choose their parents for whatever life lesson they need to learn and heal from. And as their mum, I know as much as I want to slip into the lower energies of the EGO and tell them what they should and shouldn’t do in their lives, to try and maintain some control (grip) over their lives, I can’t. But when I stay aligned with Spirit I know I don’t need or want to. I know and I’ve known for a long time that they don’t need to be told what to do, they both have a very capable inner guidance system that tells them exactly what they need to know. They don’t and never needed me to tell them what to do.
I’m done with the fear parenting, I’m finished with the games between their dad and I, I’ve stopped the behaviours that would indicate that they owe me something (for being their parent & for the sacrifices that I may have made), and I’m no longer beating myself up for how it all turned out. I don’t nag them, I don’t tell them what to eat, I don’t try to make them feel like they have to look after me in any way, I don’t harass them to ring or come and see me if they really don’t want to. I’m not trying to stop them from making the same mistakes that I made and I’m not telling them that they have to work/study hard so that they can make something of themselves.
Instead I’m doing the only thing that they need me to do, the same thing I’ve done throughout their lives and the same thing they have done for me- I’m loving them unconditionally. I’m accepting them completely as they are just as they are, knowing that they are capable and competent of becoming whom ever they want to be and living their lives in whichever way inspires them. I know their decisions are their own and that they have no obligation to keep me happy or satisfied (that includes if they choose not to follow their intuition, align with their higher selves and become who God knows they can be). I know that when I do this, when I’m there for them whenever they need me, when I’m living my life in the best way possible, when I’m loving them with nothing but pure love I’ve done everything they need me to do.