How is it that I want to live?
Who is that I think I can be?
What am I really here for?
Do I really like this version of myself?
Why, despite having pretty much everything that society told me I was supposed to have – do I still feel empty inside?
Why do I long for more?
These are the questions I’ve repeatedly asked myself during the past three years. The hardest and most challenging three years of my life. I fell apart, as did my once normal and safe life. In its place was a new reality that I could never have imagined. A reality where I no longer wanted to be alive. Plagued with debilitating chronic illness that kept me mostly bed ridden for 2 years, along with severe depression and anxiety that left me highly suicidal and unable to function, and struggling with severe grief that came from losing my family unit, my career, my friends and my life, I struggled to see a way out.
But the truth is, I knew this breakdown had to happen. I knew when it happened that it was time to start a different story. It was time for me to deal with the trauma, abuse, dysfunction, heartbreak, the never ending cycle of bad thigs that kept happening, that I had been running from for so long. Instinctively the only thing I could do was trust my intuition – that this was a pathway, an opportunity to press the reset button. I very quickly came to the realisation that the Universe had something much bigger in store for me. This pain that I was immersed in, the struggle to find the strength and the desire to keep going, were possible only because I felt that I was being guided and supported by a force much bigger than I could logically comprehend.
And so the question turned from ‘Why me?’, ‘It’s not fair’, ‘I can’t do this anymore’, into something that would be of far greater benefit. ‘What is it that you have to tell me, what is it that I need to know, what is this struggle really all about?’
And so it began, a journey into something new, the struggle to turn inwards and sit in the stillness, the ugliness and the absolute lonliness. Three years of undoing, and ever so slowly piecing myself back together in a way that felt real and right for me.
I eventually turned away from mainstream medical – the diagnoses, the Specialists, the medication, the feeling that I was just another number; instead doing the only thing that was required of me. I was being called to listen, trust and follow the wisdom deep within me. This was about me tuning into me – nobody else could even come close to having the right answers. My illness and subsequent breakdown were the very things I needed so that I could return to the truth of who I really am and who I have always been. Now I have the answers to my questions, now I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and can move forward and do the very thing I came here to do. The internal structure is solid, aligned and open. I feel amazing, I feel whole, I feel joy and I feel LOVE. But most of all I feel God, the Universe, Source Energy working within me, moving me towards fulfilling the purpose that was planted within me long before I was even born. My role is to be of Service, to Serve for the highest good. I can do it because I am filled internally with everything I need.
The emptiness and longing have gone, replaced with a wholeness filled with love and compassion. Finally a steadiness – where grace and courage can lead the way. The sad story that I was dragging with me has gone, not because I’m trying to outrun it or forget it want to forget, but because I made the choice to step into it and feel it. The life I was clinging to and so scared of loosing is long gone, replaced with something new, something beyond my wildest dreams, a life which is much more ‘me’. I didn’t want the pain of my past to become my future. I am here now and the beauty is real.
This is my way, this is what I came here to share, this is what matters to me.
My intention is not to tell you what to do, my intention is purely to show you that anything and everything is possible.